Sunday, February 22, 2015

"And the Oscar goes to... Nicolas Cage's hairpiece!"

Ah, Oscar night. The glitz! The glamour! The sitting around in elastic-waist pants and typing out snarky commentary in real time! Yes, this is our time to shine, ladies and germs.

Though I'll no doubt be thinking to myself mid-ceremony "I delayed watching The Walking Dead for *this*?" I look forward all year to tonight. It's weird because I couldn't give a flying fig for any other awards show and going in I usually on have seen a paltry number of the nominees. (Well, I do see the films in the technical categories, since those are typically big, dumb, and loud.) This year is no exception. So who will take home the statue? The true-ish story of the military's most deadly gunman (Boyhood), the tale of a tough but inspiring drumming instructor (Birdman: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire), a brutal examination of America's racist past (The Theory of Everything)? The one about the guy in a wheelchair (Selma)? A write-in for the criminally overlooked LEGO Movie?

The only Best Picture nominee that I've seen is The Grand Budapest Hotel, which I greatly enjoyed. Wes Anderson is back, baby! (I was lukewarm on Moonrise Kingdom.) What other movies did I see and love this year? I'm glad you asked. Get thee to a Redbox and snag They Came Together, Guardians of the Galaxy, Captain America: The Winter Solder, The LEGO Movie. X-Men: Days of Future Past.

Back to Oscar night... oh, the fashion! I don't care! But I know that the press needs to churn out content and the public craves something to lap up, so I'll clue you into who I'm wearing tonight: shorts by House of Adidas, t-shirt by Georgio de la Sports Backers, hoodie by United Colors of Fruit of the Loom, and socks by Pierre Starter. Swanky!

Per usual, I'll be live blogging the ceremony here in the comments section. I invite you to join in the snarkfest and comment along. Feel free to talk smack about what films and actors you hate, who you love, what a disaster the telecast is, who you are wearing, your prognostications, the most glaring snubs, etc. If I come across an exceptionally funny tweet I'll post it.

Give us a night to remember, phoney Hollywood One Percenters! Make it well worth me putting my binge watching of Bosch on hold. (That show is my current jam, BTW.)

UPDATE (03.02.15): A hearty congratulations goes out to KPMD for winning this year's Oscar pool. Her impressive run - including starting out with an 11-0 streak - put us all to shame.
The award ceremony was held while she was in town yesterday, at D-Hall. Because of her Guatemalan-ness - her natural heat - she won a copy of The Birdcage. Thanks to everyone who played and came here to lay down some snark. You guys make it fun.

110 comments:

Noah said...

Let's get this on! I have seen virtually none of these movies but feel great about my chances. This episode of Its Always Sunny should take me right up to kick off time.

Micah said...

Booooooooring.

Noah, who are you wearing?

Micah said...

This guy ain't no Billy Crystal.

Noah said...

Cleveland Browns t-shirt and jammy pants.

Noah said...

I am fighting the urge to change the channel...

Micah said...

I wish Anna Kendrick would host. *drool* Or Jack Black.

cw said...

alright, bedtime for cw. enjoy doogie.

Micah said...

Norm MacDonald on Twitter:

"I like when they sing songs that rhyme. It makes me clap."

Micah said...

That's the OSCAR WINNING J. Jonah Jameson to you, kid.

Donna Cossin said...

I think they need to do a Walking Dead/Academy Awards bleed-over red carpet episode.

wags said...

Wohoo! I picked a winner- most likely the only one I'll get right. :)

Micah said...

Donna - It's killing me that I have to miss it, but it's only one night a year.

Suzann - Yay! Keep reaching for that statue!

Who are y'all wearing?

Noah said...

How did 11 of 16 people pick JK Simmons correctly?

Micah said...

Chelsea Peretti on Twitter:

"love u mom ru on twitter?"

Micah said...

Noah - Simmons was one of the surest bets this season. So is Juilanne Moore. Research, buddy. RESEARCH!

Cato said...

Woohoo! I picked a winner too, but hope to get at least one more right. :)

Micah, I am wearing separates by Mossimo and the timeless L.L. Bean.

Micah said...

Classic, Angie.

Best Song performance* = bathroom break

*except if the South Park guys are involved.

Donna Cossin said...

I am wearing sustainable clothing from the National Championship Team, THE Ohio State University.

Micah said...

Aunt Donna FTW!

Micah said...

Two for two! 54 40 or fight!

Donna Cossin said...

Micah, help me out. I know wtf, but not ftw. Or are you dyslexic?

Suzanne said...

Lole dress, Smartwool tights. As seen on me yesterday.

Micah said...

Donna - For the Win. That means you're awesome.

Suzanne - Yay! Stunning, no doubt. Glad you joined us.

Donna Cossin said...

Shucks.....

Micah said...

I wonder what's going on in The Walking Dead.

wags said...

I'm pretty sure killing - or at least some zombies eating (or trying to eat) people :) thank god for on demand

Micah said...

No doubt. I know I'm going to want to watch it right after the ceremony, but damn it's gonna be a long night.

Do you know if they'll be doing the Talking Oscars wrap up show?

Micah said...

He's not a Hollywood celebrity. PLAY HIM OFF!

Donna Cossin said...

He can't take a hint.

Micah said...

Doug Benson on Twitter:

"Does Michael Keaton ever not have gum in his mouth?"

Micah said...

Oh, man. And there's high point of the ceremony, ladies and gentlemen. It's all downhill from here.

WHY WASN'T THE LEGO MOVIE NOMINATED?!

I want that Will Arnett LEGO Batman movie RIGHT NOW.

wags said...

Is everything awesome? :)

KPMD said...

Boom! I'm rockin' this be-otch. Also, I'm going transcontinental with my look tonight. PJ pants from Old Navy and top from Target, the french clothier. Everything is Awesome, BTW.

Donna Cossin said...

You need one of those Lego Oscars, Micah.

KPMD said...

Holy crap, this is the best part of the show so far.

Micah said...

KPMD - Yay! Your outfit is awesome!

Donna - I need *Oprah's* LEGO Oscar.

Suzann - Yes.

Micah said...

Jonah Goldberg on Twitter:

"I would watch the Everything is Awesome number 30 times for every 1 time Maroon Five did anything."

Donna Cossin said...

Is there a way to refresh this without having to prove I'm not a robot every time?

Cato said...

I *heart* Jason Bateman.

Micah said...

Yeah, it's annoying. I'll go into the settings and disable them for tonight. Although it was fun picking out pictures of pasta and coffee.

Micah said...

I changed the settings to turn off word verification. Hopefully it won't take long for it to kick in.

Donna Cossin said...

I failed the pasta test. You'd think I could recognize it by now.

Donna Cossin said...

Thanks I had to identify soup just now. Successfully this time, I might add.

Micah said...

Yay, Donna! I hope they do ice cream next.

Donna Cossin said...

I don't know if they'll do ice cream next, but I think I'll go out and try to identify some in my freezer next commercial.

Micah said...

It's not quite sleepy time down south, but it is almost ice cream o'clock.

Micah said...

Jared Leto's been filming a Jesus movie for the last couple of years, right?

Suzanne said...

Who is this KPMD and what kind of voodoo has been conjured here?

wags said...

dear god... who isn't she going to thank or mention?

Micah said...

"We need income equality" said the movie star.

Suzann - A friend dating back to college. I think she must know somebody. A Stonecutter or something.

Micah said...

Terry Ann on Twitter:

"Can I have Patricia arquette's wage? #Wageequality"

Suzanne said...

I'd be ok if a Suzanne won, even if the e is silent.

Suzanne said...

You guys are really watching this? Strange.

Micah said...

I'm kinda rooting for a KPMD sweep now.

wags said...

I think I just got another right! wohoo! almost on a roll!

Micah said...

Suzanne - Ice cream dulls the pain.

Micah said...

The Queen is dead. Well, not really. She's tied for first. But she's not getting the sweep. :(

KPMD said...

Maaaaan!!! I almost picked Big Hero 6. I loved that movie, but my 'source' said How to Train your Dragon. Shoulda gone with my heart.

Micah said...

Remember that Seinfeld episode where Kramer and the salesman took the car out on a test drive and kept pushing it and pushing it and pushing it just to see how far they could go on a single tank of gas. And then it all came to sputtering halt.

That's how I feel right now witnessing your loss, KPMD.

KPMD said...

That's kind of how I feel. But it was a great ride.

SG DeMers said...

I really wanted to pick Grand Budapest for lots of awards. Not because I saw it, but because I generally am a fan of Wes Anderson films. But, I didn't pick it, because I thought the Academy doesn't really appreciate him, like us real people do.

Micah said...

DeMers! Who are you wearing? And this is Wes Anderson's year. Just not for the big categories.

SG DeMers said...

I'm wearing a French designer, Adidas, mesh shorts and a hoodie by Insert Your Company's Name Here. Wait, what?

SG DeMers said...

Aw man. I put kids to bed, clean the kitchen, and finally sit down to watch and participate, and I get here right during the In Memoriam?

Micah said...

How do we know who which people were better and will be missed more if they mute the applause?

SG DeMers said...

Mickey Rooney, Philip Seymour-Hoffman, James Garner, Robin Williams, James Rebhorn, Lauren Bacall. It was quite a year. Why did they leave off Jon Lovitz?

And Gabriel Garcia Marquez was still alive?

SG DeMers said...

Is it really necessary to have someone sing after the In Memoriam? I submit that it is not.

KPMD said...

I'm super depressed now. Need wine...oh yeah, I was already drinking wine. Maybe I need bourbon.

KPMD said...

Maybe next year, the tie breaker should be, "Which dead person gets the most applause during the In Memoriam section?"

KPMD said...

How the hell does the film editing award NOT go to a movie that pieced together a kid's life over 13 years?!? What evs, this thing is rigged.

SG DeMers said...

I wish there was a "Like" function on here so I could give Micah a thumbs-up for his earlier comment about Jared Leto's fictional Jesus movie. He should totally do that.

Donna Cossin said...

For best Overacting When Presenting Best Picture Nominees, the Oscar goes to .... Terrence Howard.

Donna Cossin said...

For best Overacting When Presenting Best Picture Nominees, the Oscar goes to .... Terrence Howard.

Donna Cossin said...

Oops.

Micah said...

Nothing against Doogie, but we really need Tina Fey and Amy Poehler up in this piece.

SG DeMers said...

How late are these things going to go? It's got to be 11:15 EST.

wags said...

I second that micah

SG DeMers said...

More singing? I thought the Grammys were two weeks ago? They don't have acting segments on the Grammys.

Micah said...

You're thinking of the Tonys. They do that on the Tonys, right? I don't think I've ever sat through a full broadcast of that.

But yeah. Too much music.

KPMD said...

Still, the singers are singing better than the actors are reading cue cards and trying to be funny. Just sayin'

Micah said...

Billy Eichner on Twitter:

"They should come out again right now and sing EVERYTHING IS AWESOME"

SG DeMers said...

Crossing fingers for "Everything is Awesome"......dang.

Donna Cossin said...

Travolta's hair is awfully black.

Micah said...

"Nutmeg" is my favorite John Legend song.

Micah said...

You ever get the cynical idea that a significant chunk of them are faking the tears? I mean, it's a room full of cameras and they are actors.

SG DeMers said...

ScarJo.....see you later, Micah.

KPMD said...

Feeling sleepy. May not make it much longer. If I am to pull this one out, my acceptance speech shall be, "I thank Micah for allowing me to continue my reign as the queen of the Oscars. Even if NPH is the queen of the Oscars this year. I also thank the kid from Harvard who crunched the stats and helped me with my pics. I do not thank my husband or my son, because they are the reason I haven't actually seen any of these movies. To all of you I say...suck it" Then I would drop the microphone and walk off. If I don't win, then Phil made me write that whole thing.

Micah said...

Scarlett Johansson is an attractive person.

Remember when they gave out awards at this awards show?

Micah said...

Scarlett Johansson is an attractive person.

Remember when they gave out awards at this awards show?

SG DeMers said...

It's interesting to me that Gaga is doing this, like, really lady-like phase right now. First the duet with Tony Bennett, now singing Julie Andrews at the Oscars.

Micah said...

Lady Gaga's on. So now's the perfect time to go and relive Letterman's "Uma...Oprah" bit from a couple of decades ago: http://youtu.be/J-BJTE56I14

Micah said...

Billy Eichner on Twitter:

""UM EXCUSE ME" - Carrie Underwood"

Donna Cossin said...

I am a show tunes kind of girl, but I could do without this.

Donna Cossin said...

Love Julie Andrews, though.

Micah said...

We all could. We're only at original score?! Sheesh. This show is going to last forever.

Micah said...

Mike Nelson on Twitter:

"Julie Andrews mentioned the music of Breakfast at Tiffany's without mentioning Deep Blue Something. She's dead to me."

Micah said...

First SNL 40 and now this. Funny Eddie Murphy is BACK!

SG DeMers said...

Awww yeah....Birdman for Best Original Screenplay. My comeback begins.

SG DeMers said...

I still can't believe Michael Keaton hasn't won an Oscar. Not even for "The Other Guys".

SG DeMers said...

....annnnnd my comeback is over.

Micah said...

Michael Keaton deserved an Oscar for Batman.

Tied for first! And of course, that's it for me. I AGONIZED over Director and Picture, going for a Boyhood/Birdman split. Got Director right, but now I'm feeling Birdman will get Picture. I peaked.

Donna Cossin said...

That's a surprise.

Micah said...

Mo Rocca on Twitter:

"And cue the ice bucket!"

SG DeMers said...

The comeback is back on!

Micah said...

Sean Penn is as funny as Eddie Murphy.

SG DeMers said...

Sean Penn to give the last award? What, was Alec Baldwin not available?

Donna Cossin said...

Too bad we didn't need a tie breaker, 'cause I'm all over that one!

Donna Cossin said...

Thanks for hosting, Micah. I'm off to watch the Walking Dead so I can be Walking Dead in the Morning.

SG DeMers said...

Goodnight everybody! I have *got* to go see some of these movies!

Micah said...

Thanks for playing, everyone. You guys are what makes it fun. Otherwise it's just me yelling into a void and picking winners for no reason.

And congratulations past, present, and likely future winner, KPMD.

Get some sleep!