Last night my mom asked me why I haven't done one of these lately. The simple answer is that while I've still been running, I've been uninspired to drive somewhere new to do it. I've had some great times during the Autumn of Micah, but recently those have been eclipsed by doubt, frustration, and worry. Financial realities are setting in and I'll most likely have to resume temping very soon, which I am extremely loathe to do. (I *really* don't want to settle into another years-long comfortable rut.) Things have been getting me down. Unsurprisingly, this has coincided with by far my least favorite holiday.
I can't stand New Year's Eve. Because of said rut - actually, way before that - I tend to reflect upon everything I didn't accomplish over the past year. And all of those personal and professional failures just make me feel that nothing's going to change in the new year. And to be perfectly honest, that's how it's worked out. I'm in stasis. Sure, there are people out there who are in much, much worse situations than me. I realize that I'm lucky to have food and a roof, as well as good friends and a close family. But there are also many folks out there who have things I feel are out of my reach: a fulfilling job that pays more than just basic living expenses, someone who loves them, kids, security for the future, a life beyond suburban isolation. When the ball drops and yet again there's no congratulatory kiss... well, it ain't a fun feeling.
This cold afternoon I took to the surrounding neighborhoods and ran. And ran. And ran. I ran farther than I ever have before without stopping or walking. (Granted, I did it slowly, but the point is I did it.) I was in full on Forrest Gump beast mode. This was all powered by a need to feel a sense of accomplishment. This was fueled by 365 days of frustration and negativity. This was driven by a strong desire to eat a lot of candy tonight.
|Oddly, I walked part of my fastest 10k time. Weird.|
Physically, I really needed this. I've gained back some of my weight loss since Halloween. Twelve pounds, to be exact. Who would've figured that pumpkin spice everything, bowls of trick or treat candy, supper clubs, a friend's nearly endless parade of pies, Thanksgiving dinner, and a string of Christmas get togethers would all take their toll? Crazy talk! As of this week I've reduced that figure to 10 lbs., but I still would like to knock that down some more before I resume maintaining. Longer distances will help.
Throughout today's run I mostly put one song from my running playlist on repeat: Eminem's "Rabbit Run" from the 8 Mile soundtrack. It's one of my favorites of his. Want to get pumped up by a song about perseverance in the face of adversity? Striving to overcome self doubt? Making your voice heard, literally and figuratively? Here you go.
Some days I just wanna up and call it quits
I feel like I'm surrounded by a wall of bricks
Every time I go to get up I just fall in pits
My life's like one great big ball of shit
If I could just put it all into all I spit
Instead I always try to swallow it
I'm like a skillet bubbling until it filters up
I'm about to kill it, I can feel it building up
Blow this building up
I've concealed enough
My cup runneth over
I've done filled it up
I'm fizzling now
Thought I figured it out
Ball's in my court, but I'm scared to dribble it out
I'm afraid, but why am I afraid?
Why am I a slave to this trade?
I'll be back, baby, I just got to beat this clock
Fuck this clock, I'ma make them eat this watch
Don't believe me? Watch.
I'ma win this race
It wasn't all focused intensity, though. I closed out my run with Jerry Reed's "East Bound and Down." That song is dope, too!
Of course, I came back from my run to find that there was no water due to a main break. There's a good chance I'll die dehydrated and smelly on the worst night of the year. But if I pull through, I know I have to channel my inner Rocky Balboa in the new year. I've got to push harder in 2015. Get out of my comfort zone. Think positively. Create my own opportunities. Meet new people. Give that hulking Russian the beatdown of a lifetime.
To me, that last one some seems like the easiest. I'll do that one first.