Thursday, December 22, 2005

Mistletoe and Outty

Okay, folks, I'm heading south of the Mason-Dixon line for the holidays and Micah World will be on its Holiday Update Schedule (read: whenever I manage to get to the coffee shop with free wifi). I hope everyone's Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus is filled with joy.

Also, I want to thank everyone that has made making this blog fun for the past year. It has hit 41,000 visitors! I'll do my best to keep you entertained and informed (mostly the former) in 2006.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

"On Moshe! On Herschel! On Shlomo!"

I just found a website that tells the magical story of "The Night Hanukkah Harry Saved Christmas" (complete with sound files!). This "Saturday Night Live" sketch is truly one of Jon Lovitz's best.

"Eight pair! Can you believe it?"

Fix some popcorn and put on your mithril pajamas

Since I'm taking a fairly long holiday break, I figured I'd devote a day next week to a DVD marathon of epic proportions. My first thought was to watch the fifth season of "The Sopranos," but decided I'd wait until just before the new season starts next year. Then I considered watching all six Star Wars movies, but I'm just not feeling it right now. Band of Brothers? Nah, I did a hardcore viewing of that over the summer. And then it hit me: all three extended editions of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. I've been wanting to watch the series back to back for some time now. Plus, given the theatrical release schedule of each movie, they remind me of Christmas time. It's going to be a test of will, persistence, and ass-durance, I'm sure. But I'm just geeky enough to do it.

Crush of the Week: Amy Lee

This week's Crush is singer Amy Lee of Evanescence. Always a couple years behind the trends, I am just now getting into this band and their album Fallen.

You know, sometimes I just dig the goth chicks.

"Goth girl
What are you wearing today
Black again
Goth girl
It's such a fine day in May
But you think it's raining"

-"Goth Girl," John Wesley Harding

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • Commie Super Apes Are Our Superiors: It has been uncovered that Josef Stalin wanted to breed half man/half ape soldiers.
  • Researchers have determined that Beethoven died of lead poisoning. There goes my "bungee jump gone horribly amiss" theory.
  • Scientists use emotion recognition software to determine that the famed Mona Lisa was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful, and 2% angry in her portrait. I 100% don't really care.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Holidays Are Happy

Going way back to the archives for this Micah World Classic repost, but it's still pretty damn funny and apropos for the season...

I will be very much Merry Christmas, thanks.

"Well, happy birthday, Jesus. Sorry your party was so lame."

I blogged about the Christmas party episode of "The Office" a week or so ago and for those that missed out on seeing it, it will be rerun tonight at 9:30 EST. Watch it.

Things are going to start happening to me now

I'm famous. You see, I sent a little e-mail to Tim at "Distorted View" saying how much I enjoyed his podcast (and I also attached a couple of Christmas songs - "I Farted on Santa's Lap" and "Christmastime For My Penis") and he read it on today's show. My plan for worldwide media domination, which began last year with this blog, is right on schedule.

If you listen to today's podcast, beware. It's "Sextastic Tuesday" (in which a ridiculous and/or gross pornographic short story is featured) and the story Tim read today is particularly disgusting. My mom would be proud.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Which one is more disturbing?

Christmas 2002

A) My brother's Cosby sweater
B) The fact that he's scruffing his cat with his mouth

Sunday, December 18, 2005

"The Chronic- What?! -cles of Narnia"

I think everyone with a pulse can agree that "Saturday Night Live" is merely a shell of its former self. It used to be Must See TV (or Must Tape And Watch After Church TV when I was a wee lad), but now it's just plain bad. Occasionally it will produce a chuckle or two, but mostly it's just painful to watch. I'm at the point now where I will only tune in if I like the host or musical guest. I like Jack Black, so I watched last night's episode.

Bah! Another stinker except for one piece: "Lazy Sunday," where Chris Parnell and Andy Samberg do some white boy rappin' about Narnia, Mapquest, and cupcakes. Crazy delicious!

Peep a stream of the video here. (If anyone can direct me to where I can download it, I'd greatly appreciate it.)

Where is my mind?

No, I didn't blow away my alter ego while the world around me tumbled like at the end of Fight Club (belated spoiler alert!). I'm still here - just preoccupied:

Going to a couple of winter solstice parties.

Stocking up on munitions.

Getting Christmas cards out.

Resuming the insatiable need to put more and more music on My Precious (read: my iPod).

Plowing through the backlog of programming saved on my DVR so it won't be stuffed to the rafters when I return from holiday.

Also, I haven't had anything really of note to report or comment on. Maybe I'll find something to post about while I upload pictures to Imagestation and watch The Lord of the Rings on TV*.

*Okay, add this trilogy to the Ocean's Eleven List (movies I'll watch whenever broadcast even though I own much superior editions on DVD). Sub-par picture and audio quality? Edited for time, content, and advertising? Improper aspect ratio? Yep, but I'm too lazy to actually get up and put the damn movie in.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

What am I drinking tonight?

I'll be imbibing while I do Christmas cards tonight (which could potentially be dangerous - "Merry Christmas, slut. Love, Micah"). What will I be drinking?

a. Maker's Mark and Diet Coke
b. vanilla vodka and tonic
c. The Dalmore 12 year single malt
d. Jameson Irish Whiskey
e. Raspberry Ice Crystal Light

The answer at 11.

EDIT: If you answered "b" and "c" - you're right!


Forbes Magazine has released the Fictional 15, its list of the world's wealthiest fictional characters. They are:

1. Santa Claus
2. Oliver "Daddy" Warbucks
3. Richie Rich
4. Lex Luthor
5. C. Montgomery Burns
6. Scrooge McDuck
7. Jed Clampett
8. Bruce Wayne
9. Thurston Howell III
10. Willy Wonka
11. Arthur Bach
12. Ebenezer Scrooge
13. Lara Croft
14. Cruella De Vil
15. Lucius Malfoy

Where exactly does Mom from "Futurama" rate on this list? Or Duke Phillips of "The Critic"? Need I inquire about Mr. Potter? Dr. Evil? Richard Branson?

And to illustrate how out of touch I am, I had no clue who #15 was until I clicked on his profile.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Crush of the Week: Sarah Silverman

This week's Crush is comedian Sarah Silverman. She's very cute and has a dirty, dirty mouth. Offensive, yet hilarious.

I really want to see her new stand-up movie Jesus Is Magic.

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • Gerald Ford is still alive.
  • Some movie about a monkey that goes apeshit opens today. Yeah, I'd never heard of it, either.
  • Former Attorney General Benjamin Civiletti has become the first lawyer to charge $1,000 per hour. Maybe I should give the bar exam another go.
  • Whoever loses, I win: It's the greenies vs. animal rights nuts regarding the construction of a wind farm in the UK.
  • An anonymous person put four gold coins worth $4,000 in a Salvation Army collection kettle in Denver, CO. Also, a woman donated a diamond ring. That just warms the cockles, doesn't it?

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

The true meaning of X-Mas

You learn something new every day. For instance, the "X" in "X-mas" is short for "Xpiotoc" (kind of - I don't know how to type the Greek letters, so I used approximations). You see...

"Christ is the English representation of the Greek word Xpiotoc (transliterated as Khristos), which means anointed. The Christian religion takes its name from Christ, as a title given to Jesus of Nazareth, always capitalized as a singularly descriptive title meaning literally The Anointed One. In English translations of the New Testament, the Greek Inoouc Xpiotoc, and related phrases, are almost invariably translated Jesus Christ or Christ Jesus, leading to the common, though inaccurate, perception that 'Christ' was the last name of Jesus of Nazareth. The part of Christian theology focusing on the identity, life, teachings and works of Jesus, is known as Christology." (taken from the good ol' semi-reliable Wikipedia)

And, in the spirit of the season, here's another "I did not know that" factoid: "In 1966, during his annual two weeks of active duty, [Jimmy] Stewart requested a combat assignment and participated in a bombing strike over Vietnam."

George Bailey bombed Charlie! Oh, schnap!

Come on in and pull yourself up a chair

I found Chairry!

I saw the above while perusing the Sharper Image catalog. And you can plug your iPod into it!* So, if anyone reading this has deep pockets and wants to buy some random blogger a Christmas present...

In other technological news, you can buy a Bluetooth-enabled hug shirt, which can provide "the physical sensation of a hug over distance." Hmmm. Now, if they sold "hug pants," I'd buy two pairs.

*I swear, that device has brought accessorizing to a whole new level. And since I'm a sucker for add-ons and gadgets, I couldn't be happier.

Monday, December 12, 2005

"Ho! Ho! Ho! Pimp!"

I know we still have a couple of weeks, but I think I can pretty much call it. The award for Best New Christmas TV Programming goes to last week's episode of "The Office." It was just so brilliantly written and acted...hilarious. I've watched it maybe four times so far and I'm considering buying it off of iTunes. Yeah, I guess I'm a bit obsessive with my comedy (among other things). Some choice quotes:

Michael Scott: Presents are the best way to show someone how much you care. It is like this tangible thing that you can point to and say 'Hey man, I love you this many dollars worth.'

Toby: I got Angela. She's into these posters of babies dressed as adults. I got her one of those. I felt...kinda weird buying that.

Phyllis: Does everyone know my boyfriend, Bob Vance?
Kevin: Kevin Malone.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Stanley: Stanley Hudson.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: Ryan Howard.
Bob: Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.
Ryan: What line of work you in, Bob?

Michael Scott: Well, happy birthday Jesus. Sorry your party was so lame.

Ryan: Angela drafted me into the party planning committee. Her memo said that we need to prepare for every possible disaster. Which to me, seems...excessive.

Pam Beesley: You do realize we can't have liquor at the party.
Michael Scott: Yeah, I know... damnit. Stupid corporate...wet blankets. Like booze ever killed anybody.

Dwight Shrute: 'A real man makes his own luck,' Billy Zane, Titanic.

Michael Scott: So Phyllis is basically saying, "Hey Michael, I know you did a lot to help the office this year, but I only care about you an oven mitt's-worth." I gave Ryan an iPod!

Michael Scott: I got it! We are going to turn Secret Santa into Yankee Swap.
Jim: What is Yankee Swap?
Michael Scott: One person chooses a gift. The next person can either choose a gift or steal that person's gift. If your gift gets stolen, then you can steal someone else's gift or choose a new gift.
Jim Halpert: I thought that was called Nasty Christmas.
Pam Beesley: Yeah, we call it White Elephant.
Michael Scott: Well, I call it Fun!

Angela: Michael should have asked the party planning committee first. He's not supposed to just spring things on us out of nowhere. [begins to sob]

Dwight Shrute: Yankee Swap is like Machiavelli meets...Christmas.

Michael Scott: You're the expert. Is this enough to get 20 people plastered?
Salesperson: 15 bottles of vodka? Yeah. That should do it.

Meridith: The deal is, this is kind of my last hurrah, because I made a New Year's Resolution that I'm not going to drink anymore...during the week.

Michael Scott: Christmas is awesome. First of all, you get to spend time with people you love. Secondly, you can get drunk and no one can say anything. Third, you give presents. What's better than giving presents? And fourth, getting presents. So, four things. Not bad for one day. It's really the greatest day of all time.

If you missed this episode, it'll be rerun on Dec. 20 @ 9:30 pm. Catch it.

I think it's a smart idea on NBC's part moving this and "My Name Is Earl" to Thursdays. If only they'd also air "Scrubs" on that night, then they could definitely regain their Must See TV throne (at least to me).

And call me weird, but I think Angela may be in the running to be a future Crush of the Week.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

Making spirits bright

You dance like you're drunk but you sing like you're sober
You pulled the last pint when the party was over
When you're alone and you lie in your bed.
The rain on the roof is the dance of the dead.

-The Prodigals, "The Morning After"

I've rediscovered my love of Bloody Marys* as a mid-morning eye-opener and early-afternoon eye-closer.

*"It's a Bloody, buddy."

Friday, December 09, 2005

Finally a show to fill the "Friends" void

Al Sharpton will soon be filming "Al in the Family" - a sitcom pilot for CBS. Funny how our "Sharpton-in-Disney-films" jokes in college ten years ago weren't all that far off. I wonder if the copy of his out of print biography that I bought way back when will be worth anything. One day I'll get around to reading it.

As for his sitcom - eh. I'll stick with "Mmmm-hmmm" (Fridays on UPN!).

Like giant fluffy pillows filled with cocaine

Snow! Cowtown got a couple inches of the white stuff overnight. Thanks, God, for providing the perfect backdrop for my Christmas cocktail party tomorrow. I owe you one.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Cuckoo for podcasts

Lately I've been passing the time at work by listening to various podcasts. This was spurred on by my obtaining an iPod (yes, I know you don't need one to listen to podcasts, but it makes it a hell of a lot easier to get the damn things). I've found some great ones. And I've found some downright terrible ones. Currently in my rotation:
  • "Cinecast": Two film enthusiasts (read: geeks) from Chicago provide their analysis of movies past and present. Pretty interesting stuff. I also get their "Cinecast AV" video podcast, in which they give their Overlooked DVD Picks of the Week.
  • "Distorted View Daily": Local boy (Columbus, OH) does good. This show can be pretty obnoxious and gross, but damn funny.
  • "Tiki Bar TV": This video podcast humorously gives you a mixed drink recipe in each episode. Featuring this week's Crush (and THSE's Crush of the Year) Lala.
  • "Vegas in 5" and "The Vegas Minute" (video): Put out by the fine folks at, these podcasts let me know what's the haps in Sin City. Brandi Williams makes me glad that I got a video iPod.
  • "FOXCAST: Family Guy": The people behind the show provide a commentary for the week's episode.
  • "Ebert & Roeper": Because I can never remember when this show is on TV.
  • "Meet the Press": In theory, I can sleep in a little longer on Sundays now. But I probably won't.
  • "WhiskyCast": All about scotch and bourbon. Thanks to this show I found out that I've been mispronouncing "Glenmorangie" and "Glenfiddich" when I've been ordering them. Now I feel like an idiot.
  • "Martini Shot": A veteran TV writer gives funny essays on Hollywood life.
  • "Free Talk Live": I just found this libertarian call-in talk show last night. They say that they talk about everything from politics to personal stuff, but in the show that I listened to they pretty much only talked about the War on Drugs.

Now I turn to you, dear readers, for suggestions for interesting podcasts. What I'd really like to find is one that caters to the tin foil hat crowd (conspiracy theorists and paranormal buffs). Art Bell's radio show is on way too late for me to listen to regularly and he charges for his podcasts, so I'd like to find a free alternative. But I'm open to anything you find.

Micah goes legit

Yesterday was a red letter day in that I purchased my first digital download. iTunes is offering an exclusive Christmas EP from blondfire that I've taken a shine to. So I bought it. Now, the cynic in you would say that the only reason why I shelled out legal tender for it was because I couldn't find it elsewhere for free. And the cynic would be right.

Now if I could only find that new Diana Krall Christmas disc on Soulseek...

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Crush of the Week: Lala

This week's Crush is Lala from the Tiki Bar TV video podcast. Hailing from the Great White North, she can mix a mean drink. Hot chick, alcohol, and lounge culture. That's what I'm talking aboot.

Now, admittedly, this selection is a bit of a cop out, as she is also THSE's Crush of the Year (I even nabbed the pictures from him - thanks!). But she's a cutie and deserving of being a Crush. Also, I'm kind of busy at the moment, what with compiling my Christmas CD and baking cookies.

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • A new study finds that caffeine helps to stimulate short term memory. Wow - in addition to cleaning out my plumbing, coffee will also help me play Simon.
  • Jewish comedian Jackie Mason essentially says to those offended by Christmas: get over it. Thanks, Mr. Hartounian!
  • A Chicago cafe caused some controversy when the owner put up a sign saying, "Children of all ages have to behave and use their indoor voices." As a former busboy, I applaud the move.
  • The cardboard box has been added to the Toy Hall of Fame. Incidentally, my Christmas buying list has gotten a heck of a lot cheaper.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

"Christmas is not only getting too commercial, it's getting too dangerous."

This is the 40th anniversary of "A Charlie Brown Christmas". I'll be watching it tonight, even though I own the DVD. There's something about watching it live each year, although with the movie from CBS to ABC you lose the Peter Paul Mounds and Almond Joy commercials. But this is the Ultimate Christmas Special: jazz, Jesus, and an anti-commercialization message - not something that would get greenlit today.

In the meantime, here's an article and some Peanuts trivia (courtesy of the Columbus Dispatch):

Q: Do the dancing girls have names?
A: The twin sisters, from the comic strip in the 1960s, are dubbed Three and Four. They have an older brother, Five. Their last name: 95742 - also their ZIP code. Their father so named them to protest the reduction of human lives to statistics.

Q: What does Charlie Brown's dad do for a living?
A: He works as a barber, as did the father of cartoonist Charles Schulz.

Q: How many siblings does Snoopy have?
A: He has a sister, Belle, and four brothers - Spike, Marbles, Olaf and Andy (at the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm).

Q: How did the creators give the teachers wahwah voices in the TV specials?
A: They used a trombone with a plunger for a mute.

Q: Who boasts the naturally curly hair?
A: Frieda.

Q: Is the Little Red-Haired Girl ever called anything else?
A: Schulz didn't name or picture her in the comic strip, but the animators of the TV special It's Your First Kiss, Charlie Brown (1977) did - Heather.

Q: How old were the children heard in the Christmas special?
A: Charlie Brown was voiced by 8-year-old Peter Robbins; and Linus, by 7-year-old Christopher Shea. The others ranged from 6 to 9.

One for the dream journal

I only remember literally 2 or 3 of my dreams per year. Sometimes that's a good thing (no nightmares), sometimes it's bad (do I even have dreams that are a bit caliente?). And when I do remember them, they are usually made up of mundane stuff - I go to school. That's it. Lame. But two nights ago I had a vivid one that was kind of interesting. The kind that you think is real when you wake up.

So, I go to the movies, expecting to buy a ticket for a film that isn't playing at the theater. I ask the manager about it and he says it is in limited release and hasn't made it there yet, but proceeds to give me a copy of the movie on VHS. It is called Beta Ray Bill, which is named after the minor Marvel Comics character, despite the fact that the movie wasn't a "comic book movie." BRB only has tenuous connection, in that there's one flashback scene of him eating the Hammer of Odin and then disappearing because of it. Weird. Anyway, it turns out that it is a humorous heist film and opens with a mix of slacker 20-something English and American actors disguised as Monty Python gumbies (and talking like them), stealing some rare books. They make it out of the heist only to have paint explode on them. Turns out, some of their friends were all dressed up in black and shot them with paintball guns. The credits roll and the only names I can remember are David Spade and Chris Rock (and neither appeared in my dream). Later on in the story the core group of robbers are pursued by aliens that look like humans (some of them hot chicks). They hang out in a bar. One of the girls (who's attractive) drinks a beer alone at the bar and sings a song to herself. The song is one that's currently a hit in the UK, very catchy. And I don't know what it is or even the melody - I don't even know if it's a real song. Then there's something about Red Bull and an acoustic guitar. There's even a sex scene involving two alien women and two of the guys, but it's played for laughs. Overall, the movie had an "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" meets Ocean's Eleven meets Dude, Where's My Car? as directed by Guy Ritchie vibe.

And then I woke up 3 minutes before my alarm was to go off.

I have no clue what this dream is supposed to mean or why I dreamt it. I can piece together a few clues: I had watched Ocean's Twelve that day. My personal history is steeped in comic book and Monty Python geekery. Beta Ray Bill...VHS. I had a shot that contained Red Bull over the weekend. I dunno.

"Dreams, they complicate my life" - R.E.M.

So, armchair Freuds, do your worst.

I'm taking the phone off of the hook tonight from 10 to 11

And this is why.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Yet another reason why I'll be sending my kids to private school

Allis Elementary School in Madison gave an assignment to its 3rd graders: write 12 letters to other students, Wisconsin's U.S. senators and representatives, President Bush, and the secretary-general of the United Nations encouraging them to end the war in Iraq.

Regardless of your stance on the war, you've got to realize that this is really upsetting. Anti-war, pro-war, whatever - a teacher's role is not to indoctrinate. Politics should be left out of the classroom, especially in regards to teaching young children. Luckily, the assignment was rescinded.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

I knew it!

In other news, the Buckeyes are Fiesta Bowl bound. OSU vs. Notre Dame? That's going to be huge. The only thing bigger would be OSU against Texas...and we all know how that turned out.

As a Hokie fan, I feel terrible for Virginia Tech having to watch unranked Florida State get their BCS bid. But they brought it on themselves. What the hell happened in that game last night? Seriously, that's not rhetorical. I was at a bar and, while I could see it on the screen, I was distracted by copious amounts of alcohol and women shaking their thangs to "My Humps."

This is your brain on Jager

I ended my self-imposed social exile last night when KtG and D-Lovely rolled into town.

Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger...

I also discovered my foosball prowess. Much love to my teammates KtG and Fraley. We are the champions.

Now that's my kind of race

Today is the New Las Vegas Marathon:

Muhammad Ali is scheduled to join local dignitaries at the starting line on the Las Vegas Strip. And organizers promise at least 40 running Elvises, up to 26 couples married at a runthrough wedding chapel, dozens of showgirls, Santa Claus and 16 venues with live entertainment to help keep runners' legs moving for 26.2 fast, flat miles back to the casinos.

That's one way to lively up this sport. Interesting that they are closing the Strip, but Sunday morning's not really a peak traffic time there since everyone's in church.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Is formal the new casual?

I went to Target last night to pick up a red bow (for the grill of my car) and some Christmas tree ornaments. Nothing really screamed "Micah" - you know: martini shakers, penguins, nekkid ladies - but I did pick up a blue, metallic reindeer and a stained glass margarita, despite the fact that I'm not a fan of that particular libation. Hallmark had some cool Darth Vader and Scarlett & Rhett ornaments, but I'm not in a position to spend $18.95 on a single tree decoration. But I digress.

Looking at some normally reasonably-priced clothing at Target, I saw that they now offer cashmere scarves, French cuff shirts and cuff links. Yes, at Target. Interesting. The store I love has become even better. Will I soon be picking up a new CD, a case of bottled water, and a Coach briefcase on my next shopping trip there?

Thursday, December 01, 2005

Fire Cooper

Courtesy of these fine folks.

"Mush into mush" update: an anti-Cooper website has been made, as well as an online petition. I implore all current University of Richmond students, alumni, and friends of the school to visit the former and sign the latter. Cooper's had his turn and he's been ineffective. It's now time for Richmond to get back on the right track.

A shared philosophy

"Television is supposed to connect me with things that I don't see everyday, like hot chicks or extraterrestrials." - Avid MW reader/commenter THSE on turning on his TV and unexepectedly seeing "The Biggest Loser"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Crush of the Week: Ginnifer Goodwin

This week's Crush is actress Ginnifer Goodwin, who played Johnny Cash's first wife Vivian in Walk the Line.

I didn't realize it until I Googled her name after watching the movie, but she also played nerdy-yet-cute (yeah, glasses) teen Diane on "Ed" - a show that really needs a DVD release. Never has a program used the "musical montage" device so consistently and successfully.

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • If it walks like a Christmas tree and talks like a Christmas tree: House Speaker Dennis Hasbert recommended that the name of the "Capitol Holiday Tree" (dubbed such during the PC fervor of the Clinton era) revert back to "Capitol Christmas Tree." Kudos to you, sir.
  • A peanut butter allergy-addled Canadian teen was killed after a kiss from her boyfriend, who had just consumed a PB&J sandwich. My first thought (comic book nerd alert): that dude's Rogue!
  • A Pennsylvania woman has been arrested after she tried to poison her family by adding bleach to the family's mac & cheese dinner. Mmmmmm...Kraft Bleach and Macaroni. It's the bleachiest!
  • A Bosnian town erected a shiny statue of Bruce Lee (cool), only to have it vandalized hours later (not cool).

This makes Clark W. Griswold feel woefully inadequate

The Rockefellear Center Christmas tree (live cam) gets lit tonight, but in the meantime check out this streaming video (make sure your sound's on). Classy!

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Okay, I'll just take three maids a-milkin'

The True Cost of the 12 Days of Christmas as calculated by PNC Financial Services Group has risen 6% this year, to $18,348.87. If you want to purchase the total quantity of items as mentioned in the song, it'll run you $72,608. My Christmas list doesn't seem so pricey now.

Requiem for Mr. Miyagi

R.I.P. Pat Morita, 1932-2005.

You're waxing on, waxing off, and painting the fence in a better place now.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Popping my tag cherry

I've been doing the blog for almost a year now and only received my first "tag" last week while on holiday (thanks, law fairy). So, here goes...

Here's how you play this one:

1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

This post only contained two lines and a snowy picture of my front yard: If this isn't hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps weather, I don't know what is.

Tagged: Kate I, Kate II, spydrz, jasdye, and panthergirl. Here's hoping I didn't kill any friendships by doing this.

Does Bill Gates give me money now or this totally unrelated to that chain e-mail?

They're playing basketball

I've got a college basketball jones and the itch is finally being scratched. The best sport on God's green earth has started and we're all better for it. Tonight I commence watching. Pizza? Check. Diet Dr. Pepper? Check. VA Tech at Ohio State? Check.

My bold prediction: even though it's a "rebuilding season" at Richmond*, the Spiders are going to go all the way. If they can beat McNeese State, Duke shouldn't be a problem.

*But aren't they all?

A dog only my mom could love

Buddy getting a bath.

Also, ignorance is bliss. I had a wonderful time visiting the fam, in part because I shunned the news. No Fox or CNN, no Glenn or Rush*. Newspapers? P'shaw! I only checked out the haps for weather and sports info. It's amazing how great life can be when you aren't bombarded with bad news.

*Ok, so I watched one WWBT evening news broadcast, but that was just to check out the Dream Team (Gene, Sabrina, Jim, and Ben). It's a nostalgia thing, as they've been together since I was a wee lad.

Sunday, November 27, 2005


I'm back. My trip took 9 hours rather than the normal 7.5. I was going to put up the Christmas tree this evening, but I'm tuckered out. Plus, I'm still recovering from my 7100 calorie food coma. Tomorrow I'll "make more blog," respond to comments and whatnot. In the meantime, take a gander at what I was following in West Virginia, while stuck in bumper-to-bumper Seemingly-Everyone-In-The-Mid-Atlantic-Region-Wants-To-Go-To-Ohio holiday traffic.

Shhhhhhh! It's sleeping.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Over the river (Olentangy) and through the woods (West Virginia)...

Okay, folks. In the morning I'll be heading to Virginia (state motto: "Virginia Is For Lovers...And Micah") for Turkey Week. I've front-loaded the blog with a bunch of posts, so you'll have stuff to comment on for the next day or two. I need to finish up my laundry and pack, after having a minor setback (about an hour in I realized my first of three loads was "fluffing" and not "drying"). It's going to be a late night.

I'll try to post from the Commonwealth, from the local Panera Bread, although I try to avoid the mall area this time of year. Maybe I'll just use my brother's snazzy new cable internet hookup.

Crush of the Week: This woman

This week's Crush is a woman in a newspaper ad that ran every day for the past month. The ad was promoting some event at a local mall.

All I know about her is that she seems to enjoy wine, grand pianos, and commerce. I need to find a classy woman like that.

Y'all can stop trying. We've reached home breakfast sandwich preparation perfection.

I want an egg and muffin toaster. This device could quite possibly be the pinnacle of human achievement.

Mush into mush

This is mainly for the University of Richmond peeps who visit the blog. From the Dad-Sent-Me-This-Newspaper-Clipping-In-The-Mail File: Pres. Cooper says the school needs to attract a better class of student because it had previously been turning "mush into mush". His exact words:

"The entering quality of our student body needs to be much higher if we are going to transform bright minds into great achievers instead of transforming mush into mush, and I mean it."

ARRRRRGH!!!! His excuse (noted in the linked story) is weak. I can't stand this guy. He laments our school having a poor donor base, but then says crap like this about my fellow alumini and does bone-headed things like removing the co-ordinate system. Other than the obvious financial reasons, that's why I don't give to the school (aside from the $50 Annual Fund I specifically instruct to be given to WDCE). When he's gone (and I get a decent paying job), my level of giving will jump dramatically.

It just needs a little love, that's all

Ladies and gentlemen, the upside down Christmas tree.

It was designed, in part, to provide more space for presents. I don't know why everyone just can't use my family's solution:

A present- and tree-dedicated room, complete with a narrow walkway for shimmying.

I can't wait to get sick!

I recently saw a commercial for SudaCare Shower Soothers and they seem very interesting. I'm actually looking forward to my inevitable Winter Sickness (kind of).

Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket*

To curb pedophilia accusations in Switzerland, children have been banned from sitting on Santa's lap. Why is it that the Society of St Nicholases (tee-hee!) has stricter rules than the Catholic church?

*This was almost titled "You'll shoot your eye out," but that's just wrong.

Requiem for Eddie Guerrero

R.I.P. Eddie Guerrero.

You were too beautiful for this world. Especially when you had your mullet.

Dr. Cox brings the funny

I've been watching the second season of "Scrubs" lately and that show's got to be one of the funniest ever broadcast. Case in point:

"Do you know how I know that this is yours, Farrah? 'Cause when I paged you earlier, someone found it next to a can of Fresca and a dog-eared copy of Teen People magazine." - Dr. Cox, telling J.D. he found his pager

(I love Fresca.)

I think the ACLU programmed my iPod

I ripped about 20-30 Christmas CDs and inputted them into my iPod over the weekend. In doing so, I saw that the genre of every song was labelled "Holiday." So, I changed each of the songs to a "Christmas" label (which is not a pre-loaded genre in iTunes). Now, this is not something to get infuriated and write your Congressman about, but I did find it kind of vexing. If you are already playing your own Christmas music in iTunes, would you be the type to be offended by the use of the word "Christmas"? If so, you must be a very conflicted person.

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Culturing up this place (a bit)

My workday currently consists of scanning a seemingly endless amount of legal paperwork and financial documents, but every now and then something odd will come along to break up the day. A few days ago it was a book from an art museum. I spent a good deal of time browsing it (and not "working").

"Drunken Silenus" by Jusepe de Ribera

It's like I'm looking in a mirror (I often party with Satyrs). There were a few other paintings that caught my eye, but I can't seem to find them online. It's been almost a year since I last went to the Columbus Museum of Art and may check it out again shortly. Anyway, it's nice to have the monotony of work broken up periodically, even if my daily quota suffers.

I went to a party last night (Buckeye football, BBQ, and Jager bombs) and totally dominated another game of "Shout About Movies" AND a few rounds of "Scene It (TV Edition)." Yep, I'm also a pop culture master. I need a life.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Forever in khakis

The Neil is back and better than ever. Like he did with Johnny Cash, producer Rick Rubin works his magic and resurrects a once-great artist (as the Columbus Dispatch wrote, "the figure skater shirts are gone"). This is one stellar set of songs. Buy this album! Well, maybe you should wait until after all of Sony's duplicitous DRM stuff is sorted out.

How great is this album? Well, I postponed buying Revenge of the Sith so I could have money to pick it up. Okay, maybe that's not the greatest endorsement...

Thursday, November 17, 2005

And yet they included "River of Dreams"

In ripping CDs so I can fill up my iPod, I've noticed something that's amiss. How in good conscience can Sony title an album The Essential Billy Joel when it doesn't include arguably his best song - "Scenes From An Italian Restaurant"? I wish I knew what happened to my copy of his Greatest Hits Vol. 1 & 2...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Crush of the Week: Jenna Fischer

This week's Crush is actress Jenna Fischer, who plays Pam on "The Office." Hilarious show, cute woman.

Sure, she's not striking, but there's something about her. Maybe her "averageness" makes her seem more attainable. I dunno.

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • A species of lemur has been named after John Cleese. I think a newt would've been a better choice.
  • Michael Jackson caused a stir when he was seen applying makeup in a public women's restroom in the United Arab Emerites. Make your own joke.
  • Bruce Willis is offering $1 million to anyone who turns in al-Qaeda terrorist leaders. The terrorists will then get walk-on parts in Hudson Hawk II. (He gets respect for questioning why the good things happening in Iraq are going underreported.)
  • McDonald's Japan added shrimp burgers to its menu. I'm simultaneously repulsed and intrigued.
  • The Columbus Blue Jackets acquired aging hockey legend Sergei Federov. Now maybe they'll win a game or two.

Here in my car I feel safest of all

After 21 days, about 670 miles, and $76.38 in gas, I was finally able to ditch the rental '94 Jeep and get my beloved Jetta back from the body shop. Since the car was sitting for so long, the battery died and they had to jumpstart it a while back. In doing so, they blew out the radio fuse.

It was weird driving my car again. It's so low to the ground! The steering wheel is so far away! The driving experience is actually pleasant! I'm glad I can return to letting my car idle in the garage overnight. Listening to CD-Rs will be nice. And most importantly, given the cold snap we're in, butt warmers!

And, surprisingly, no one at the body shop stole my U2 CDs. Damn, I love the guitar solo in "The Fly." It was a good day (because none of my homies died).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Apparently, just wanting your car back is too much to ask for

I got the call from the body shop this morning that the insurance company's payment came through and my car was ready for pick up, after being held hostage for 20 days. That made my morning, as I absolutely despise the 1994 Jeep Cherokee that they rented to me. So, I gassed it up (yet, again) over my lunch break and made the trip to the southside after work. My Jetta's bumper looked really nice. I get in and - horror of horrors - the radio doesn't work. ARRRRRRRRGHHHH!!!

They are keeping my car for one more day to see what's wrong with it and I've got the damn Jeep again. On the way home, I realized I left a couple of U2 CDs in the front seat. Given the fact that the last time I brought my car to this body shop all the change was gone from my ashtray, I fully expect to kiss those discs goodbye. And I'll no doubt have to gas the damn Jeep up one more time before I return it. Frustration.

I'm so glad I picked up the "Scrubs" season 2 DVDs over lunch today. I could really use a laugh while I eat my sad ramen dinner.

Monday, November 14, 2005

"They were funny while they lasted" or "The final countdown"

Cat-like quickness.

You've no doubt heard by now that FOX has said "don't let the door hit your ass on the way out" to "Kitchen Confidential" and has all but canceled "Arrested Development".

It's really easy to hate FOX, what with their track record of not letting good shows develop ("The Tick") or putting them out to pasture in the infuriating post-NFL Sunday death slot ("Futurama"), but they did pretty much all they could with "Arrested Development." People just weren't watching. It's a shame, too, because that is a hilarious show. "Kitchen Confidential" was promising and it's easier to blame FOX there since its demise comes so prematurely (there's a new episode streaming here).

The one silver lining: these two shows are being replaced with a scripted drama ("Prison Break" reruns) rather than new reality crap.

The observance that choosey mothers choose

In celebration of the food of the gods, November is National Peanut Butter Lovers month. Thanks George Washington Carver!

Sunday, November 13, 2005

I'm penniless

Mild-mannered bank by day...

I've been feeding pennies into my Superman bank since I got it in '98 (or maybe it was '97). When I heard that Coinstar had a promotion where they waive the counting fee if you took your money in the form of an gift certificate, I thought it was about time to cash in. My brother and sister each have a birthday this month and that would help. Plus, I'm already engaged in one tedious activity (two if you count my temp job) to roll all of my pennies, label the rolls with my address and take them to the bank. So I went to the Coinstar kiosk this evening with my 15 lb. son of Jor-El: 2820 pennies, 4 dimes, 2 nickels. I also threw in a Sacagawea dollar that I acquired somewhere along the away. In all, I got $29.70 out of the deal. Not too shabby.

"I'm a hillbilly, I'm a businessman...but mostly I'm just a guy who never understood the word 'cain't'."

Pardon my absence around here for the past day or so. I bought a spiffy new iPod* (which makes my old mp3 player look like a brick) and let me tell you that burning a ton of CDs, downloading their artwork, and putting the songs on the device is time consuming. I don't keep much music on my computer, so I'm doing this all from scratch. In a little over 24 hours I've put 1150 songs (3.91 GB) on it.

So, in the meantime, enjoy this graduate thesis I found, which is about one of my favorite canceled shows - "The Ben Stiller Show" (I've been watching the DVDs a lot lately). It kinda reminds me of my sociology paper on Terminator 2.

*Micah World "Stick It To The Man" Tip: To get an educational discount, a student ID is only as valid as you believe it to be.

Friday, November 11, 2005

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Linden Boulevard, represent represent

Well, my music geek list lost by 3 votes in Round 3 of the game. I expected as much, since I was up against a lot of classic albums (most of which I like/love - including my all-time fave Beatles album, Revolver). Many thanks to all of y'all that lurked, but didn't vote. :)

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Crush of the Week: Charlotte Church

This week's Crush is Welsh singer (formerly classical, now tarted up pop) Charlotte Church. I'm not familiar with her music, but she is quite easy on the eyes.

Singers should have good lung capacity.

Now, I realize I'm treading on Creepy Old Man territory here, but my rule of thumb is if a woman is on the cover of GQ, she's fair game. The animated GIF that originally piqued my interest is here (let it load, folks). I love classical music!

You can wear my clothes

Quite unexpectedly, my music geek list has made it to Round 3 (by one vote). I'm up against some heavy competition. This may get ugly.

Hump Day News Round-Up

  • Jack Nicklaus (along with Muhammad Ali, Aretha Franklin, and others) recieved the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Way to go, Golden Bear.
  • You can make your own joke about the man glued to a Home Depot toilet seat (although his case may be in the crapper).
  • Speaking of toilets, there's not much more I can add about the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders who had sex with each other in the can. Just glancing at their mug shots: the blonde's cute; the other, not so much. And it would've been a funnier story if two football players were making sweet, sweet love in the men's room.
  • When suspended football player and multimillionaire Terrell Owens ordered a pizza, delivery man James McDevitt left his $5 tip at the front door because TO "needs to feed his family." Sarcastic comedy is alive and well in Philly.
  • Even though there wasn't a sports championship victory or loss, Islamic youths continue to throw Grey Goose molotov cocktails at LeCars, forcing the socialist cheese-eating surrender monkeys to tighten their grip and surrender harder. "Haw haw haw, Lt. Steve." "Ha ha ha, Frenchy."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

"Beets suck. You should grow something everyone likes. Grow candy."

If you're not watching "The Office", you're a sucka. I'd say it is easily my favorite show this season (keep in mind "Scrubs" and "24" have not yet aired) and is even better than it was in its first season.

A quote from last week's episode: "I come from a long line of fighters, my maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. He killed twenty men and then spent the rest of the war in an Allied prison camp... My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life... different kind of fight."


This bed is on fire with passion and love

My album picks made it to Round 2. I think it was the inclusion of Laid* by James that swayed it for me, based on some of the comments. Truly a classic.

*The title track has one of the funniest radio edits ever. "She only comes when she's on top" is turned into "She only hums when she's on top." What the heck is that supposed to mean?

Throw the bums out

There's nothing quite like Election Day. And this time it's personal. As you may know, I am greatly opposed to smoking bans. Well, today a couple of the city council members who voted to restrict private property rights in my city are up for re-election. No vote for you! Next!

Also, I urge Ohio votes to nix Issues 2-5.

EDIT: It appears that even though I have a Worthington mailing address, I actually live in Perry Township. So I get no say in the City Council. Rest assured, I'm sending mental "no votes" to the pro-smoking ban candidates.

Monday, November 07, 2005

Yet another reason why I want Hef's job

The latest issue of Playboy arrived in the mail today and this month's Playmate (Christine Smith) - Wow. Just wow. I approve.

Yarr, she'll keep my men from resorting to homosexuality...for about 10 minutes.

The height of music geekery

There's a game being played on an internet forum that I spend way too much time on. It's sort of a fantasy league for music geeks where each player "drafts" ten albums and then competes to see who has the best album collection. Yeah, I told you it was geeky (but no geekier than fantasy sports). Anyway, here is my roster:

1. Velvet Underground: Peel Slowly and See [box set]
2. Beastie Boys: Paul's Boutique
3. The Flaming Lips: Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots (Deluxe CD+DVD)
4. Matthew Sweet: Girlfriend
5. The Cure: Disintegration
6. Pulp: Different Class
7. A Tribe Called Quest: Midnight Marauders
8. The Postal Service: Give Up
9. Helmet: Meantime
10. James: Laid

Some albums that I really wanted (Revolver, Skylarking, Stone Roses' debut, etc.) were drafted before I could pick them, but I think I made some good selections. So, if you wanna help a brother out, you can go to the game and vote for me (I'm "DJLinus" in Round 5).

Sunday, November 06, 2005

When drink's in, wit's out

I'm not falling for the hysteria, but all this talk of the bird flu has got me thinking. So, in the event that I succumb to the virus, I share with you a couple of funeral arrangements that I want made:

  • There has to be a bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace." Maybe another song or two, but that hymn's the biggie.
  • I want someone to sing Warren Zevon's "Keep Me In Your Heart". Don't care who. Just somebody.
  • Most importantly, I want my funeral to be a PARTY. Eat some good food, drink some fine adult beverages. Maybe break out the Trivial Pursuit. Just have fun.

So, y'all have been put on notice. And if the above isn't carried out, I'll haunt each and every one of you from beyond the grave.

Please forgive the morbid thoughts. You can pin it on the fact that, as a cost cutting measure, I've been eating literally the same damn food for the past two weeks: a cheap microwaveable meal and a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter for lunch, grilled cheese sandwiches (and maybe some soup) for dinner. It's amazingly inexpensive, but grows quite old very quickly.

Clever title, huh? Serious subject matter, a Scottish proverb, and I'm currently drinking several wee drams of single malt Scotch. It works on so many levels.

Saturday, November 05, 2005

Well played

Just for Dubin: I switched on the Michigan State-Purdon't game just as MSU forced a fumble and ran it back for a touchdown. Nice.

On a another note, we'll see if Ohio State can cover the 34 point spread over Illinois today. That's a huge line, but this is the Buckeyes we're talking about. I'll be holding my breath until the clock runs out.

65 tons of American pride

Okay, maybe I was a bit hasty in writing off SUVs. I mean, who doesn't want one of these:

Endorsed by Krusty.

Can you name the truck with four wheel drive,
Smells like a steak, and seats thirty five?
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Well, it goes real slow with the hammer down
It's the country-fried truck endorsed by a clown
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Hey, hey!
Twelve yards long, two lanes wide,
Sixty five tons of American pride!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
Top of the line in utility sports,
Unexplained fires are a matter for the courts!
Canyonero! Canyonero!
She blinds everybody with her super high beams
She's a squirrel-squashin', deer-smackin' drivin' machine
Canyonero! Canyonero! Canyonero!
Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa!

Snag the song here.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Tonight I drink

Got a good thing going with a drinking problem
I buy the first round with a smile
I talk to myself like I like me
And blame myself after a while

-Gerald Collier, "To Break the Ice"

I'm not in the greatest of moods today, so I'm just going to take out the trash, do the laundry, and drink heavily. Maybe I'll watch Coyote Ugly or something. Blog amongst yourselves.

The jingle jangle has begun

For those wanting a 24 hour Christmas music fix, look no further than the internet arm of a Columbus radio station that plays "music the whole office can agree on" (shoot me). Peep it here.

Today I saw the first Holiday commercial of the season: 27 Christmas Classics by Cristy Lane. I think I'll hold off on that one.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Crush of the Week: Ryan Michelle Bathe

This week's Crush is actress Ryan Michelle Bathe from "Boston Legal". She's new to the show and the producers don't give her too much to do, but damn if she isn't cute.

I had another woman lined up to be this week's Crush, but I just watched this week's Halloween-themed "Boston Legal" and her costume was Condoleeza Rice. Yowza! That pretty much clinched it.

Re-thinking SUVs

Lately, I've been thinking of what kind of car will replace my beloved Jetta many moons from now when I choose to buy a new vehicle. The front-runner is the VW Tourag. Maybe it's the dream of having a family one day or living where snow is plentiful. Perhaps VW's marketing department are popping open champagne bottles for developing my brand loyalty. But whatever the reason, I've been leaning SUV.

Last month my car was backed into while I was visiting friends in VA. Luckily, the college kid who left the gash in my rear bumper also left a note (gotta love Southern hospitality) and his insurance company is taking care of the repairs. So, since last Wednesday I've had a rental while my car's been in the shop: a Jeep Grand Cherokee. And I HATE it. My petty list of grievances:

  • The CD player can't play my CD-Rs.
  • It is is dire need of a tune up, as there are many rattles and noises. It just doesn't feel solid.
  • The right blinker bulb is out, so I get that annoying double-time click when I signal (which was just remedied on the Jetta - thanks Spydrz).
  • The antenna is broken, so the radio reception is mostly crap.
  • The gas gauge bounces all around so I don't know exactly how much is in the tank.
  • It reeks of cigarette smoke.
  • The thing guzzles gas faster than Tara Reid at a bar.

Really, the gas thing is annoying. Given the nature of rental car policies, I'm determined not to return it with an ounce more gas in the car than when I received it. So, it's always hovering around 1/8th of a tank in hopes that tomorrow will be the sweet, sweet day when I can get my car back (an aside: I called the body shop to get a status report and they found more extensive damage and are trying to get a supplement from the insurance company. *sigh*). I've literally been putting $5 worth of gas in the Jeep every other freakin' day. I'm at the point now where I will not leave the house unless it is to go to work, the grocery store, or the gas station. I've neglected going to the gym (bad) or frivolous media shopping (good). I'm essentially a shut-in.

It's really making me re-think the whole SUV thing. On one hand, it's expensive as crap to drive around in. On the other, I'm an American and owning an SUV is my birthright. Plus, I've got to keep up with the rest of my family - who own(ed) Range Rovers, Explorers, Jeeps, and Excursions. The only consolation is that at least I didn't get these repairs done a month ago when gas was $3.10/gallon (it was at $2.19 this morning).

Today's big laugh

I was listening to Glenn Beck's radio show on my Walkman like I do every morning and he started it by telling some of the facts behind the rape case of a former Lasalle University basketball player. The victim was at a party, sitting on the guy's lap and talking in detail about how she gave oral sex to one of his teammates. Then she did 8 or 9 shots of 99 proof alcohol, went to the kitchen and vomited in the sink. The player then went into the kitchen and started having sex with her, while another player forced her to give him post-vomit oral sex. The victim admitted to not saying "no," but maintained she was too drunk to say anything. After saying all that, Beck played the ending of "A Kiss at the End of the Rainbow" from A Mighty Wind ("...more precious than a pot of gold"). It may be wrong, but I laughed out loud at work today.

Modern courting is a beautiful and special thing.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"Why aren't you voting? You could grave danger...and I can help your psychic candidate."

Finally! A presidential candidate that we can all rally around - Christopher Walken*.

"Little man..."

I even thought of a great slogan: "He can pull votes out of his ass."

*Yes, I know it is a hoax.

Milk Milk v. Disgusting Candy

Hershey Co. is taking the producers of the "Milkdudz" line of breasfeeding clothes (get it?) to court over trademark infringement.

Does anyone actually eat Milk Duds anymore? If so, I feel sorry for you.

Monday, October 31, 2005

Samhain wrap-up

Well, another Halloween has come and gone (or it will in a couple of hours). Time to pack up the decorations and pretend I don't listen to "Monster Mash" or "Thriller" during the other eleven months of the year.

I had 18 kids Trick or Treat at the house. The best costume was a giant olive. A kid with Syndrome of a Down had a kick-ass Batman costume.

I finally got to see the Desperate Housewife (oh, I hope she's desperate) that moved in next door up close. Yummy mummy, as we said in college. I also met her husband.

Because I bought 6 bags of candy, I am left with a metric shit-ton of it left. If I had a Delorean, I'd go back in time and give each kid 1/3 of a bag.

Currently, I have two specials on exorcisms and The Exorcist: The Beginning sitting unwatched on my DVR. I'm saving them to watch during daylight hours this weekend because I'm a wuss.

I've had the Halloween theme playing on a constant loop at the front door since 6 pm. I am REALLY sick of it and will shut it off as soon as I post this.

I'm going to have to pull some serious gym overtime because of all this candy consumption. I'm going to start tonight. Okay, maybe not.

I called the fam back in VA and heard about my nephews and niece's night. They were an army man, a cardboard box, and a ladybug, respectively. My mom's new puppy was a pumpkin. My sister was Frenchy from Grease. Seeing them all on Halloween is one of the main reasons that I want to move back.

And here's a totally random, barely relevant "Arrested Development" quote because I'm in the mood (due to watching the 2nd season DVDs every night for the past week):

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
GOB: 'Illusion', Michael. A 'trick' is something a whore does for money. (*sees the children right next to him*) Or candy!

How the Grinch stole Halloween

A Newton, MA, school has canceled Halloween because three (3) parents complained. Now, I'm as Christian as they come, but I don't think celebrating this holiday is going to turn our society into something out of The Wicker Man. What's next? Getting rid of Saturnalia?

Later in the year the school plans a costume celebration in which teachers and perhaps students will be encouraged to dress as their favorite literary characters.

Yeah, that's gonna be a lot of fun.

I got a rock.

Happy Halloween!

Letting the children inside to drink beers
Razor blades hidden in Three Musketeers
Screams from the basement of kids begging to be set free
That's what Halloween means to me

-Stephen Lynch, "Halloween"

As a treat for you, I've made some funny Halloween-themed copyrighted material available for download:
-Patton Oswalt stand-up bit
-Stephen Lynch's "Halloween" song
-Jerry Seinfeld stand-up bit
-David Sedaris's essay "Us and Them"


Sunday, October 30, 2005

Why I love Halloween

Why do I love Halloween? Is it seeing the joy on a children's faces when they're given candy? Nope. More like all of the women in sexy costumes.


"Schoolgirl" is a personal fave of mine.

Rosemary's baby doll

These dolls are just so wrong.

He has his father's eyes.

Yet I'm tempted to buy one for my nephew for Christmas because it would really freak him out.

This year's model

What does daylight savings time, "Meet the Press" and a hot cup of coffee produce? Apparently, a "just okay" jack-o-lantern.

I've done better, but at least I have something to put outside the front door. Now I'm off to buy candy. Hope the kids like Nickers, Butterthumbs, and M&N's.

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Vrinnn vrinnn vrinnnnnnnnn

I caught the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake on cable tonight. It wasn't all that great, but it wasn't completely terrible, either (Roger Ebert gave it zero stars). Of course, I've never seen the original, so I didn't have that bias going into it.

But, it was worth it just to see Jessica Biel prance around for 98 minutes. Oddly enough, though, I don't think she has nipples. How else can you explain the wet, cold meatlocker scene?

She did it for the kiddies

A Delaware woman committed suicide by hanging herself on a tree, but it went unreported for hours because people thought she was a Halloween decoration.

Note to self: reassess the location of my December suicide where I dress up like Santa and slit my wrists with a candy cane.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Halloween flashback

I'm not dressing up for Halloween this year (my Shaun of the Dead "I Got Wood" t-shirt may turn off the parents of the kids I hand candy out to), but I thought that I'd share my favorite costume. I've been many things: Yoda, Indiana Jones, Ed Grimley, Charlie Brown. But the best was from a couple of years ago...the Hedgehog himself, pornography legend Ron Jeremy.

And the lower half:

I was pretty smashed at that particular party, but according to reports, I thrust myself on pretty much all of my female friends. I'm a class act, I tells ya.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

'Tis not quite the season

Okay, I'll fess up. I broke out the Christmas music two days ago. Normally, I wait until mid-November (see, I make a Christmas music compilation CD each year and that takes time to burn the CDs, design the packaging, and mail them out). But for some reason I just got a hankering to listen to the holiday albums from Barenaked Ladies and Chris Isaak. Funny enough, that very same day, my brother e-mailed me saying he started listening to Christmas music, too. He even sent me a new song that he recorded ("When the Snow Falls"). Must be something weird with our family.

Jack loves Mark

I haven't bought my pumpkin yet, but here's a pic of last year's.

Welcome Rachael Harris fans

Well, there's a new version of VH1's "I Love the 80s"* this week and you know what that means: 98% of my hits have been obsessives, like myself. Seriously, I'm getting crazy mad page views because of her. Turns out RH's Crush picture is the #3 Google Image Search result. How cool is that?

*Frankly, I'm unimpressed thus far.

Another year, another World Series sweep

Congratulations to the White Sox. I'd much prefer the Orioles or Nationals to have won the World Series, but at least it wasn't the Yankees (that's what I'll be thankful for this Thanksgiving). Now I can finally go to bed.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Crush of the Week: Elvira

This week's Crush is Elvira. Hey, who else would I pick for Halloween?

Unpleasant dreams.

Did watching her show when I was a kid create my booby obsession? Only my shrink knows for sure.

Hump Day News Round-up

  • Authorities suspect that dogs mauled a newborn infant in Portsmouth, OH. I'd make a "maybe a dingo ate your baby" quip, but that'd be in bad taste.
  • WNBA player Sheryl Swoopes comes out of the closet. Lesbians in the WNBA?! Now I've heard everything.
  • More than $1 billion worth of marijuana was confiscated in Kentucky this year. No word on if the grass was blue.
  • Beth Holloway-Twitty (mother of the missing Aruba chick) spoke in Ohio today, saying that the "best case scenario" is that her daughter was kidnapped and gang raped. You know, I've never heard the terms "best case scenario" and "gang raped" used in the same sentence (no link; I heard it on the radio).

Quick Movie Reviews: "Two for the Money" and "Wallace & Gromit"

Two for the Money: Not great, but enjoyable. Al Pacino keeps up his delivery where he talks normally and THEN STARTS YELLING. Jeremy Piven continues to spin (Ari) gold with every role he gets. And you get to see Jaime King's body double get all nekkid 'n stuff.

Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Scary as hell! Despite its liberal pinko commie anti-hunting/pro-vegan agenda, I loved it. Very funny. Hutch is my new favorite W&G character (after the Evil Penguin, of course). Biggest laugh: "May contain nuts."

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Monday, October 24, 2005

Dum ditty dum ditty ditty dum dum

I love classic hip-hop. With some exceptions, the best commercial stuff coming out today cannot hold a candle to what was produced up until - oh, I don't know - 1993. Run-DMC introduced me, along with every other white suburban kid, to the genre. So, when I saw Rev Run's solo debut Distortion on Best Buy's shelf, I thought "Hell, yeah!"

Now, Run-DMC are not infallible (Crown Royale, anyone? Thought not.), so there's a chance that this album could suck royally. But I'm lovin' it! It felt almost like I was listening to my brother's dubbed copy of Raising Hell (but, not quite). Run's on fire, although I'm accustomed to him trading lines with DMC. His presence is definitely missed. Same with Jam Master Jay's cutting and scratching. Refreshingly, there's only one producer (Whiteboy) and he channels Rick Rubin effectively. Until Rubin returns to hip-hop full time, Whiteboy will have to keep his seat warm. No guest MCs. No skits. Just good, positive hip-hop.

My complaint: at 27 minutes, it is ridiculously short and leaves you wanting more. But I picked this up for $8, so I don't feel ripped off. Also, Run's new image with the cape: kinda silly.

All that was missing was the Nitro Girls

I'm not really into professional wrestling anymore, but I used to be in college. We'd have Monday night get-togethers to watch "Nitro" and "Raw." Nowadays, I'll catch the Big Events (i.e., Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania), but that's about it. I have to depend on a friend of mine to get me caught up on the storylines and new faces. But he's all but ditched the WWE and moved onto something new...

Last night I went to he and his wife's house to watch the TNA Wrestling pay-per-view. To my surprise, it had some of the "sports-entertainment" guys I used to watch way back when: Jeff Jarrett, Konan, Raven, Kevin Nash. Larry Zybisco is even the commissioner. Lots of overacting, distracted referees, broken tables, greasy hair, and high-flying action. Yeah, it was a good time.

One nitpick: For an organization that calls itsef "TNA," the eye candy was definitely lacking. That's one area where the WWE prevails.

We joked last night that I should write my Congressman to inform him of the rampant cheating that is going on in professional wrestling. I'm tempted to do it, but will I be placed on some "kook list"?

Friday, October 21, 2005

Issue One: I have no life

It's Friday night. I'm in my PJs, watching "The McLaughlin Group", and browsing the new iPod on the internet. I may start a new book. Ladies, I'm available!

I can't wait to see "Sleeping Persun of Better-Than-Average Attractiveness"

A London drama troupe will be performing Snow White, but there's one big change: dwarves will be referred to as "gnomes" or "guardians of the forest." Reality inches closer to parody*.

*Funny book.

Abbey Road, sumo style

Mad props, yo.

And in the end the love you make is equal to the space you take up.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Please welcome...

My new hoody Greenhorn. If you know me, you know that a hoody is part of my standard autumn/winter apparel and I'm happy to get another one. He is the product of an ambiguous K-Mart ad* and joins my other zip-up hoodies Graybeard, Blueball, Spiderboy, and the Professor. Excelsior!

*The ad said "30% off" and then "$6." It rang up as $12, which was 30% (or $6) off the original price. But I interpreted the ad to say that the sale price was $6. And I won. I rule.

Jump the turnstile, never pay the toll...

I just thought this picture was funny. Four sumo wrestlers from Amsterdam, Norway, and Hawaii terrorize the NYC subway system.

Scandanavian sumo wrestlers?!

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Crush of the Week: Deborah (Debbie) Gibson

This week's Crush is former teen pop star and current Broadway belter Deborah "Debbie" Gibson. She was lookin' gooooood on the "Great Things About Being..." special I blogged about. I had a thing for her in the '80s. I have a thing for her now.

Shake my love.

Trivia: DG appeared in Ghost Busters as "Birthday Girl in Tavern on the Green."