Sunday, November 06, 2005

When drink's in, wit's out

I'm not falling for the hysteria, but all this talk of the bird flu has got me thinking. So, in the event that I succumb to the virus, I share with you a couple of funeral arrangements that I want made:

  • There has to be a bagpiper playing "Amazing Grace." Maybe another song or two, but that hymn's the biggie.
  • I want someone to sing Warren Zevon's "Keep Me In Your Heart". Don't care who. Just somebody.
  • Most importantly, I want my funeral to be a PARTY. Eat some good food, drink some fine adult beverages. Maybe break out the Trivial Pursuit. Just have fun.

So, y'all have been put on notice. And if the above isn't carried out, I'll haunt each and every one of you from beyond the grave.

Please forgive the morbid thoughts. You can pin it on the fact that, as a cost cutting measure, I've been eating literally the same damn food for the past two weeks: a cheap microwaveable meal and a couple of spoonfuls of peanut butter for lunch, grilled cheese sandwiches (and maybe some soup) for dinner. It's amazingly inexpensive, but grows quite old very quickly.

Clever title, huh? Serious subject matter, a Scottish proverb, and I'm currently drinking several wee drams of single malt Scotch. It works on so many levels.


Anonymous said...

If you're infected with avian influenza, we'll probably have to burn your corpse, so how about a Viking funeral instead? You know, pushed out to sea in a burning longboat?

Micah said...

Oh, man. That's even better! Bird flu or not, that's how I want my mortal remains disposed of.

But instead of the sea, just push me out into the James River.

Anonymous said...

The funeral party idea is pretty cool, but I've got you beat. I won't share the details...cos I'm a right bastard. Your only hope of learning the secret ingredient is to outlive me.

pffft! I've been eating the same foods for the past couple of months.

Sheeit, as we speak I'm reduced to eating half-cooked Easy Mac due to my microwave breaking down unexpectedly.

Now quit yer bellyachin' and man up.

Micah said...

I'm intrigued. But I've got a couple of years on you in addition to an unhealthy life choice, so I may never know...

So, you want to have a Shitty Life-off? Bring the pain. :)

Anonymous said...

Wanna really wear down your heart? Just watch the Redskins play.

Micah said...

Luckily, can't say I'm a fan. But I've been an Orioles booster for years and that doesn't do much to raise one's spirits.

Anonymous said...

OK, but if you were a compulsive gambler and bet on them to win, there goes your ticker.

jasdye said...

Pyre! Pyre! Pyre!

i'm with y'all on the viking funeral (as opposed to the wretched playing the pro ball team is putting forth).

if i come to a funeral of a man i only know casually through the internet (and i have to go to Ohio - Indiana Jr. -of all places to do it), the only Zevon song that i'll be singing is Werewolves of London.

other than that, right on!

Kate The Great said...

I agree with the party send off of all send offs. I want my funeral to be like any other proper Catholic celebration: open bar, good food and really great dancing. I'm thinking people busting a move to "She's a Brick House" right on top of my cherry veneered coffin. Maybe even some karaeoke and a Tina Turner impersonator to do Rollin' On A River for the crowd.

Yeah, that'd be tight.

Law Fairy said...

What happens if the flu kills us all? None of us will get cool funerals and they'll probably burn all our bodies in some barn in West Virginia. Our families won't even be allowed to say goodbye. Martial law will be imposed and such minor things as traditional funeral rites will be luxuries for those who didn't fall prey to a pandemic.

That's not how I want to go, no sir! I think I'll throw myself a preemptive funeral so that if I die in the next year or so, no one will have to do anything. They can dump my body in the Pacific for all I care. Plus I get to hear all the good things people say about me as they sob at the thought of never being able to see me again. Why more people don't do it this way, I can't imagine.

jasdye said...


"Why more people don't do it this way, I can't imagine."

probably because they have to bury or burn you during the funeral. and i, for one, ain't going out preemptively!

Micah said...

dubin - Did you just lose your shirt to the Redskins?

jasdye - Maybe you can arrange to have the bagpiper play that song. True, Ohio's an easy target, but other than Chicago, what does Illinois have going for it?

KtG - Sounds like a lot of fun. Am I invited?

law fairy - You stole that idea from an episode of "Futurama"! I know you watch that show because you're a geek like me. Don't deny it.

jasdye said...

lincoln and a kick-a** album by sufjan stevens.

and - that's it. (course i am very chicago-centric. but i've been through most of the state... wait, tornadoes.)

Anonymous said...

I didn't lose my shirt...they won. Barely.

Law Fairy said...

Just because the writers of Futurama and I have brilliant ideas in common, doesn't mean I copied them. And everyone knows robots don't actually *die*.

And jasdye -- perhaps "memorial service" might have been a better word. I'd follow it up with a rollicking wake complete with prizes for people who said the nicest things about me.

Micah said...

jasdye - Funny you should mention Sufjan. I discovered my new favorite Christmas song ("Lo, How a Rose E'er Blooming") and was looking for some versions of it last night and came across his. I know of the hype about his "50 states project" and plan on checking his stuff out. Anyway, here's a link to a page that offers all three of his Christmas albums for (free) download: wammy!

dubin - That's good. Going to put your winnings towards Dubinpalooza?

law fairy - There's something "Futurama" didn't offer: prizes. I like it!

CB - I always thought of you as a younger, whiter, thinner, more Italian Luther. And there are very few songs that actually choke me up, but that Zevon song is one of them. Especially when you think about how he wrote it when he knew he was dying and recorded it in a room full of his friends. Aw, man. There go the waterworks...

jasdye said...

cpt'n backfire,

everybody knows that GNR did the best version of 'Knockin' on Heaven's Door.'

law fairy,
count me in. i want me a free taddy bare thare.