This snowy afternoon I was driving home from my bar exam review class, pumping the Grosse Point Blank
soundtrack. It contains classics from such artists as the Violent Femmes, Pete Townshend, and the Clash. Just a great album all around. There I was rocking out to Queen and David Bowie's "Under Pressure" when I had a realization: no matter how bad ass this song is (arguably the crown gem in Queen's catalog; Bowie's second best after "Space Oddity"), most people under 35 will instantly think of one thing when they hear those seven opening bass notes: "Ice Ice Baby." Now, I'm a big proponent of sampling when done creatively, but Vanilla Ice has forever tarnished the names of Messrs. Mercury and Bowie by his use of that riff. Surely, this violates some part of the Geneva Convention. There are certain remakes, samples, and misconceptions that serve only to devestate our entertainment and fashion landscapes.
In order to free the hearts and minds of the current population and to ensure the good taste of future generations, I propose that we institute pop culture interment camps. Those detained will be re-educated, A Clockwork Orange
style. Some of the issues (read: Truths) on the plate:
1. Ice Cube made much better music when he hated whitey.
2. Trucker hats weren't cool the first time around. They're not cool now.
3. Everytime someone calls Kenny G's music "jazz" the baby Miles Davis cries.
4. Zombies don't run.
5. The Black Eyed Peas made two great hip-hop albums, which didn't sell. Then they hired a naked hoochie and dumbed down their music. This is called "selling out."
6. Believe it or not, Eddie Murphy was funny before he made movies for kids (notable exception: Donkey).
7. If you are seemingly doing an aerobics routine on stage, you are not a "singer." You are an "entertainer."
8. When you buy a Che Guevara t-shirt, you betray your trendy socialist ideals on several different levels.
9. Just because a movie is quirky, doesn't mean it is funny. I'm looking at you, Napoleon Dynamite
10. There are two eras of the Beach Boys, both defined by its key member: Brian Wilson and John Stamos. One of these men was a genius deserving of his rank in the American music pantheon. The other banged Rebecca Romijn.
11. Uma Thurman is not attractive.
12. For anyone who thinks that their road to fame lies in reality TV, tell me who won Fox's Boot Camp
. Or the names of the people on last night's Blind Date
13. Han Solo shoots first.
If you know of someone who doesn't acknowledge the above, please have them report to the nearest person wearing frappuccino eyeglasses. I believe the War on Pop Culture Terror can be won during our lifetime.
Anything else to add to the curriculum?