Monday, April 14, 2008

Or I just could've said, "I walked on the moon."

I had been dreading this past weekend's 10 year college reunion for some time, mainly because I didn't want to have to repeatedly answer "What are you doing now?" questions. Well, with a little help from some friends in town for the festivities, I brainstormed a good backstory that would be interesting enough to be somewhat impressive (or, at least, not as depressing as my current state of wasted potential), yet not so out there as to be unbelievable. Mostly. There are a few nuggets of truth underneath the piles of exaggeration and outright lies.

My tight-knit circle of good friends at school was pretty insular and there were only a handful of folks outside of that group that I hung out or associated with much. But those people didn't show up at the reunion and I pretty much hung back at the weekend's events. So I never got to try out my lie. Here is what we came up with:

"So, what do you do?"

"I did the political thing in DC until I got burned out and went to law school. But I didn't really have the zeal that my classmates had, so I didn't really choose to go into the legal field after graduation. Nowadays I spend my time doing some freelance writing. Nothing huge - mostly pop culture stuff for web sites like PopMatters, Relevant, and the late Stylus, among other smaller sites and entertainment blogs. Music, TV, and movie reviews and stuff like that. I've done a few magazine pieces here and there. It's not much, but it pays the bills."

"Are you married?"

"Well, I was. My wife passed away. She got an IUD and died in a car crash. In Iraq. During childbirth. I'm a stay at home dad now."

Okay, that last part is ridiculous and I wouldn't have said that. When throwing out ideas, Shamrock misspoke about my "wife's" cause of death and meant to say IED, but this was funnier. If things don't pan out in the next few years, I'll at least have something to use at the 15 year reunion.

Also, note to the Reunion Committee: in the future, please provide "divorced/frustradedly still single" designations on people's nametags. It'd make my job that more efficient.


jasdye said...

you forgot, 'i invented poste-it notes.'

Micah said...

Nah, that wouldn't have worked. Those were around well before I went to school. No one would've bought it.

Hmmmmmm...I invented...Crocs. Yeah, that's it. Or maybe Splenda.

Anonymous said...

well, now you've got five years to come up with a better story than that snoozer ya'll came up with for this reunion.

first rule of lying at reunions to mofos you don't care about? go big or go home.

second rule? most of these mofos haven't done shit except get a job, get married and get their woman knocked up (or, if they're a woman, get knocked up.) Big fracking deal, humans have been doing that since forever ago. Chances are only a tiny percent of people are doing or have done a damn thing worth mentioning. Look, we didn't go to MIT or West Point, so you don't have to worry about a gang of people showing up talking about how they invented Skynet or racked up 13 confirmed kills in Iraq and got a Silver Star.

finally, apropos the name tag situation, you have heard of this little company called AVERY? Right? get yourself some white and/or transparent labels and print out a better designation. Once you arrive and pick up your nametag, just slide away to the bathroom for a second and doctor that sucker with your pre-printed, modified designation. Suggestions? widower, still gangsta, or sees more pussy than the human society.

jasdye said...


what i wanted to say, whilst my li'l progeny (the ONLY thing i did since graduating from college, btw) was trying to bang away on the keys, is:

i didn't know that 'freelance' is synonymous for 'read while crapping on the toilet'.

that joke doesn't work anymore. just like the rest of mine.


you meant 'humane society' i take it?

Anonymous said...


that is exactly what I meant. alas, my editor is on vacation this week.

p.s. I liked your joke.

Micah said...

sbn1 - See, the beauty of my lie is that, sure it's a little bit boring, but it also doesn't prompt much follow-up. As in college, I'm not one to bask in the spotlight. I prefer to be the perimeter of attention.

As for the tags, I have no complaints with mine. I meant for all the ladies in attendence, so I can eliminate the ones that don't need to be approached.

Actually, I think I'll start the Human Society, which'll be given a large endowment from the Human Fund.

jasdye - You bring your laptop with you while dropping the kids off at the pool? Ewwwww. (uh, I've dont it, too)

jasdye said...

no, micah.

i was literally holding my literal daughter in my literal lap while literally trying to literally type a reply. not to be outdone, joss wanted to write a smart-alecky answer too. either that or eat my laptop.

i have brought library books w/ me, however...

Micah said...

Those books have been flagged! I have a stack of flagged magazines in my cubicle. Anyone want 'em?

In my defense, whenever I've brought my laptop into the loo with me, I don't hold onto it, but let it rest on the counter. If that makes a difference.

Anonymous said...

I think "IUD" works better than "IED." And I agree about the name tags. I'm sorry I missed it...especially the seersucker pants.