Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Ask Professor Micah

Work is kinda boring, so I thought that I'd begin a new feature here at Micah World: Ask Prof. Micah

Go ahead. Ask me anything. I'll try to answer honestly and to the best of my knowledge*. My personal happenings/history, relationship advice, grooming tips, financial help, sports predictions, entertainment recommendations, Illuminati conspiracies - anything is fair game.

Just ask your questions in the comment section and I'll respond in kind. I'll keep answering in this post as long as it remains on the front page of the blog.

*No Googling.

20 comments:

jasdye said...

Professor Micah, I just had a baby. And as of yet, I have no answer for the age-old stymie, Where do babies come from? Can you help me out here?

Micah said...

Ha ha. Settle down now. Sure, I can help. You see, when a Mommy and a Daddy love each other very much, they give each other a very special - orgasmic even - hug. Then Mommy's belly begins to swell from eating too much food. But nine months later they go to the hospital so she can get liposuction and, while they are there, they pick up your new little sister or brother.

Next.

KPMD said...

Professor Micah, I heard that girls are made of sugar-n-spice and everything nice. Alternately, boys are made of snips and snails and puppy-dog tails. Is this true? What are snips? Lastly, why is this the first post I've responded to in over six months?

spydrz said...

Who is this "KPMD?"

Micah said...

KPMD - Interesting questions. What you've heard is wrong. Girls are made of carbon and sarcasm, while boys are mostly composed of shredded copies of Sports Illustrated.

"Snips" is urban drug slang for "parsnips."

And you responded to this post to reinforce the feelings of guilt that you knew I would have for missing your birthday. (Happy Birthday, btw)

spydrz - That's Dr. Kevin sPacey.

jasdye said...

Right Reverend Micah,

Is this cereal as delicious as I think it is?

The Dubin said...

Professor Micah, what is the proper code behavior for me to engage in if I want to solicit sex in the women's restroom?

Micah said...

jasdye - Yes. Unless you're eating Muslix. Then, no. (Nice Demetri Martin reference; his CD is hilarious)

dubin - Very good question. When I'm in the ladies' room, looking for a little love I first enter the stall and assume a wide stance. When another gentleman enters the stall next to me I then do a little softshoe dance and make Puff Daddy-like background noises ("ugh", "yeah", "uh-huh" "Bad Boy Records" "I profit from my best friend's murder"). If the other man is interested he will reply in kind. Then we exit the ladies' room, get married, and have intercourse (whatever that means).

Please note: this DOES NOT work for women who are in the ladies' room.

Mags said...

LOL to "snips"

This isn't a funny question like the rest, but I really want to know why we don't seem to sneeze while we're sleeping, even when we have a cold.

It perplexes me, Professor Micah, and I would like an answer.

Micah said...

You see, the human body is much like computer in that when one "sleeps", the body "shuts down" as a "computer" "would". All life functions cease until one "wakes up" or "reboots". So that is why you don't sneeze in your sleep. It is also the reason why, when you first wake up, the Windows start-up chime rings loudly in your head. Or is that just me?

Mags said...

This must just be with women-because I've slept in the same bed as men who's bodily functions did NOT sleep.

jasdye said...

i, for one, sleep with a woman who assures me that my "bodily" "functions" does not "shut down."

Chairman Micah,

why am i such a slow reader, and how can i be a faster reader?

The Dubin said...

To clarify, Professor Micah, I was wondering if it was OK to solicit sex with WOMEN in the women's restroom (much like Tom Cruise in 'Top Gun')...but I can see how if two guys attempt it at the same time, things can go horribly wrong...unless the other guy is really dreamy, like Patrick Dempsey or Senator Larry Craig.

Micah said...

mags - While not a question, per se, I will answer your comment thusly: it is a general rule of thumb that men's bodily functions shut down while they are conscious and women's shut down when they sleep.

jasdye - You are a slow reader because you are what scientists classify as "auditorily engaged", which means that you hear sounds quickly, but see things slowly. It's kind of like the slow-motion parts of The Matrix or the "Max Payne" video game. Conversely, every voice you hear sounds quite like the Chipmunks.

dubin - Oh, my mistake. Based on our previous conversations - and the fact that you like to summer in Greece - I assumed your preference was for the fairer sex (read: men). I find that young lasses do not like to be crassly solicited in the water closet, but rather they prefer a romance and emotional connection that will last the ages. Try seducing them around dumpters, construction sites, and wharfs.

Micah said...

jasdye - BTW, in order to remedy your situation, try rubbing your belly WHILE patting your head AND drinking water from the other side of the glass AND chewing gum AND reciting the alphabet backwards WHILE thinking about baseball stats.

jasdye said...

dubin,

or just honk at them. a woman never knows how much you care unless you happen to cross paths at an intersection while you are driving and you engage in the male end of the mating ritual.

evil dr. micah,

i'm beginning to doubt your powers of interpretation. although it is true i am "auditorily engaged" b/c i hear voices while i read. some of which are mine. some of which are the author's creation. and some of which belong to the leprechaun, the unicorn or the angry villagers.

Micah said...

That is completely normal. Just try to use them for your benefit. For instance, the voices in my head are quite helpful to me. One compiles my grocery lists. Another one tells me to burn things (handy in the winter). And yet another decides which female stranger in the bar wronged me, so I can give her a long, piercing stare.

Mountain Mama said...

Micah,

Where in the World is George Hasselbeck?

Micah said...

Well, when last we heard from George, he was leading an expedition through the Orient. Hopefully, he'll return soon with many exotic silks, spices, and tales of adventure.

My question to you: who dis?

Mountain Mama said...

It's Tori Moledor from law school. I used to sit behind you in the "CSI Law Class" and watch you play majong. A lot. We had occasional (friendly) words in school, but I've been reading your blog for many moons, and do a fly by once every few months. I was better buddies with George 'cause we shared the Res Ipsa office with Jason. Anywhoo, whuddup! I'm from Roanoke, Virginia, originally! I was born in Richmond. Enjoy the Commonwealth -- I wish I was. Ohio is sucky.