Samhain wrap-up

Well, another Halloween has come and gone (or it will in a couple of hours). Time to pack up the decorations and pretend I don't listen to "Monster Mash" or "Thriller" during the other eleven months of the year.

I had 18 kids Trick or Treat at the house. The best costume was a giant olive. A kid with Syndrome of a Down had a kick-ass Batman costume.

I finally got to see the Desperate Housewife (oh, I hope she's desperate) that moved in next door up close. Yummy mummy, as we said in college. I also met her husband.

Because I bought 6 bags of candy, I am left with a metric shit-ton of it left. If I had a Delorean, I'd go back in time and give each kid 1/3 of a bag.

Currently, I have two specials on exorcisms and The Exorcist: The Beginning sitting unwatched on my DVR. I'm saving them to watch during daylight hours this weekend because I'm a wuss.

I've had the Halloween theme playing on a constant loop at the front door since 6 pm. I am REALLY sick of it and will shut it off as soon as I post this.

I'm going to have to pull some serious gym overtime because of all this candy consumption. I'm going to start tonight. Okay, maybe not.

I called the fam back in VA and heard about my nephews and niece's night. They were an army man, a cardboard box, and a ladybug, respectively. My mom's new puppy was a pumpkin. My sister was Frenchy from Grease. Seeing them all on Halloween is one of the main reasons that I want to move back.

And here's a totally random, barely relevant "Arrested Development" quote because I'm in the mood (due to watching the 2nd season DVDs every night for the past week):

Michael: So, this is the magic trick, huh?
GOB: 'Illusion', Michael. A 'trick' is something a whore does for money. (*sees the children right next to him*) Or candy!

How the Grinch stole Halloween

A Newton, MA, school has canceled Halloween because three (3) parents complained. Now, I'm as Christian as they come, but I don't think celebrating this holiday is going to turn our society into something out of The Wicker Man. What's next? Getting rid of Saturnalia?

Later in the year the school plans a costume celebration in which teachers and perhaps students will be encouraged to dress as their favorite literary characters.

Yeah, that's gonna be a lot of fun.

I got a rock.

Happy Halloween!



Letting the children inside to drink beers
Razor blades hidden in Three Musketeers
Screams from the basement of kids begging to be set free
That's what Halloween means to me
-Stephen Lynch, "Halloween"

As a treat for you, I've made some funny Halloween-themed copyrighted material available for download:
-Patton Oswalt stand-up bit
-Stephen Lynch's "Halloween" song
-Jerry Seinfeld stand-up bit
-David Sedaris's essay "Us and Them"

Enjoy!

Why I love Halloween

Why do I love Halloween? Is it seeing the joy on a children's faces when they're given candy? Nope. More like all of the women in sexy costumes.


Nice.

"Schoolgirl" is a personal fave of mine.

Rosemary's baby doll

These dolls are just so wrong.


He has his father's eyes.

Yet I'm tempted to buy one for my nephew for Christmas because it would really freak him out.

This year's model

What does daylight savings time, "Meet the Press" and a hot cup of coffee produce? Apparently, a "just okay" jack-o-lantern.



I've done better, but at least I have something to put outside the front door. Now I'm off to buy candy. Hope the kids like Nickers, Butterthumbs, and M&N's.

Vrinnn vrinnn vrinnnnnnnnn

I caught the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake on cable tonight. It wasn't all that great, but it wasn't completely terrible, either (Roger Ebert gave it zero stars). Of course, I've never seen the original, so I didn't have that bias going into it.



But, it was worth it just to see Jessica Biel prance around for 98 minutes. Oddly enough, though, I don't think she has nipples. How else can you explain the wet, cold meatlocker scene?

She did it for the kiddies

A Delaware woman committed suicide by hanging herself on a tree, but it went unreported for hours because people thought she was a Halloween decoration.

Note to self: reassess the location of my December suicide where I dress up like Santa and slit my wrists with a candy cane.

Halloween flashback

I'm not dressing up for Halloween this year (my Shaun of the Dead "I Got Wood" t-shirt may turn off the parents of the kids I hand candy out to), but I thought that I'd share my favorite costume. I've been many things: Yoda, Indiana Jones, Ed Grimley, Charlie Brown. But the best was from a couple of years ago...the Hedgehog himself, pornography legend Ron Jeremy.



And the lower half:



I was pretty smashed at that particular party, but according to reports, I thrust myself on pretty much all of my female friends. I'm a class act, I tells ya.

'Tis not quite the season

Okay, I'll fess up. I broke out the Christmas music two days ago. Normally, I wait until mid-November (see, I make a Christmas music compilation CD each year and that takes time to burn the CDs, design the packaging, and mail them out). But for some reason I just got a hankering to listen to the holiday albums from Barenaked Ladies and Chris Isaak. Funny enough, that very same day, my brother e-mailed me saying he started listening to Christmas music, too. He even sent me a new song that he recorded ("When the Snow Falls"). Must be something weird with our family.

Jack loves Mark

I haven't bought my pumpkin yet, but here's a pic of last year's.

Welcome Rachael Harris fans

Well, there's a new version of VH1's "I Love the 80s"* this week and you know what that means: 98% of my hits have been obsessives, like myself. Seriously, I'm getting crazy mad page views because of her. Turns out RH's Crush picture is the #3 Google Image Search result. How cool is that?

*Frankly, I'm unimpressed thus far.

Another year, another World Series sweep

Congratulations to the White Sox. I'd much prefer the Orioles or Nationals to have won the World Series, but at least it wasn't the Yankees (that's what I'll be thankful for this Thanksgiving). Now I can finally go to bed.

Crush of the Week: Elvira

This week's Crush is Elvira. Hey, who else would I pick for Halloween?


Unpleasant dreams.

Did watching her show when I was a kid create my booby obsession? Only my shrink knows for sure.

Hump Day News Round-up

• Authorities suspect that dogs mauled a newborn infant in Portsmouth, OH. I'd make a "maybe a dingo ate your baby" quip, but that'd be in bad taste.
  
• WNBA player Sheryl Swoopes comes out of the closet. Lesbians in the WNBA?! Now I've heard everything.
  
• More than $1 billion worth of marijuana was confiscated in Kentucky this year. No word on if the grass was blue.
  
• Beth Holloway-Twitty (mother of the missing Aruba chick) spoke in Ohio today, saying that the "best case scenario" is that her daughter was kidnapped and gang raped. You know, I've never heard the terms "best case scenario" and "gang raped" used in the same sentence (no link; I heard it on the radio).

Quick Movie Reviews: "Two for the Money" and "Wallace & Gromit"

Two for the Money: Not great, but enjoyable. Al Pacino keeps up his delivery where he talks normally and THEN STARTS YELLING. Jeremy Piven continues to spin (Ari) gold with every role he gets. And you get to see Jaime King's body double get all nekkid 'n stuff.

Wallace & Gromit in the Curse of the Were-Rabbit: Scary as hell! Despite its liberal pinko commie anti-hunting/pro-vegan agenda, I loved it. Very funny. Hutch is my new favorite W&G character (after the Evil Penguin, of course). Biggest laugh: "May contain nuts."

Cowboy Curtis and I are tight

Apparently, Laurence Fishburne and I are two peas in a pod. Who knew?

God is my co-defendant

A Romanian inmate is suing God for "cheating, abuse, and traffic of influence." Yeah, good luck with that, buddy.

Dum ditty dum ditty ditty dum dum

I love classic hip-hop. With some exceptions, the best commercial stuff coming out today cannot hold a candle to what was produced up until - oh, I don't know - 1993. Run-DMC introduced me, along with every other white suburban kid, to the genre. So, when I saw Rev Run's solo debut Distortion on Best Buy's shelf, I thought "Hell, yeah!"

Now, Run-DMC are not infallible (Crown Royale, anyone? Thought not.), so there's a chance that this album could suck royally. But I'm lovin' it! It felt almost like I was listening to my brother's dubbed copy of Raising Hell (but, not quite). Run's on fire, although I'm accustomed to him trading lines with DMC. His presence is definitely missed. Same with Jam Master Jay's cutting and scratching. Refreshingly, there's only one producer (Whiteboy) and he channels Rick Rubin effectively. Until Rubin returns to hip-hop full time, Whiteboy will have to keep his seat warm. No guest MCs. No skits. Just good, positive hip-hop.

My complaint: at 27 minutes, it is ridiculously short and leaves you wanting more. But I picked this up for $8, so I don't feel ripped off. Also, Run's new image with the cape: kinda silly.

All that was missing was the Nitro Girls

I'm not really into professional wrestling anymore, but I used to be in college. We'd have Monday night get-togethers to watch "Nitro" and "Raw." Nowadays, I'll catch the Big Events (i.e., Royal Rumble, Wrestlemania), but that's about it. I have to depend on a friend of mine to get me caught up on the storylines and new faces. But he's all but ditched the WWE and moved onto something new...

Last night I went to he and his wife's house to watch the TNA Wrestling pay-per-view. To my surprise, it had some of the "sports-entertainment" guys I used to watch way back when: Jeff Jarrett, Konan, Raven, Kevin Nash. Larry Zybisco is even the commissioner. Lots of overacting, distracted referees, broken tables, greasy hair, and high-flying action. Yeah, it was a good time.

One nitpick: For an organization that calls itsef "TNA," the eye candy was definitely lacking. That's one area where the WWE prevails.

We joked last night that I should write my Congressman to inform him of the rampant cheating that is going on in professional wrestling. I'm tempted to do it, but will I be placed on some "kook list"?