Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

Every summer I try to read an epic-length book. Several weeks ago I decided this year I'd give Gone With the Wind a try when I was done with my current book. (From Russia With Love; yep, still chipping away at those 007 books.) Then Charleston happened and I wasn't really feeling it. But after the increasing amount of ridiculous overcorrections that are only tangentially related to that tragedy and do absolutely nothing to absolve us for our past sins, my interest in the book was renewed.

Well, I'm a couple of chapters in and find it to be a beautifully written work, painting a vivid picture of the South through words. Did that version ever exist? Maybe, probably not. The fact that reading it now weirdly feels like a small act of defiance is a bonus, though. And more than a little bit sad. From immaculate sculptures to silly TV shows from 30 years ago about backwoods moonshiners never meaning no harm, we can appreciate and learn from art, its roots being good or bad, innocent or less than so. Let's put it in it's proper historical context, not completely eradicate it from our collective consciousness just because it displeases us today. I'm sure the Dixie Chicks would agree.

I stand resolute.

"I've achieved plenty and there's no better than the best." - Dwight Schrute on New Year's resolutions

January's coming to a close and, while I hate the whole resolution thing, I guess I should lay out some areas for improvement within the coming year. But unlike previous years, I'm keeping it simple with only three attainable goals:

1. Cool it with the other screens while watching movies and TV. At home, that is. I'm not a Philistine that disrupts fellow moviegoers. But within the comfort of my couch, all too often I multitask with my laptop and/or phone when I put on a movie or TV show. And without my full attention, I miss things and don't fully appreciate what I'm half-watching. No more! Well... Just during commercials! And the boring parts!

2. Give back to my favorite podcasts. These days I listen to more podcasts than music. They've entertained me so much for no cost at all. While I've been pretty good about doing my Amazon shopping through The Christmas Stocking's affiliate link, I feel I should be better at supporting them. Get a premium subscription to Never Not Funny? Buy a Doug Loves Movies shirt? See Paul F. Tompkins or the Sklar brothers if they ever do a show around me? Purchase the Comedy Film Nerds book and Girl on Guy app? Yeah, I think I should do all of those things.

3. Don't start another book series until I finish the ones I've already started. Currently I'm in the middle of The Strain and The Hunger Games trilogies. No more new ones until I get through those. (I'm not counting my beloved Parker books, since there are 24 of those and few contain arcs that carry through to subsequent books. Or so I've heard.)

Bonus! When talking about Kanye West, Kim Kardashian, and their spawn, I vow to never, ever use the loathsome word "Kimye".

Best of 2010: books

In 2009 I read embarrassingly few books. To make up for that, last year I read more books than in any other year, including seventeen books from an entirely new genre to me and the best freakin' book that I've ever read. My year end list for books is different than most people's since I'm a relatively slow reader. And sometimes inspiration takes a while to hit me. So I don't catch everything as it's published. So these are the best books that I've read in 2010:

The Stand by Stephen King - At 1,100+ pages, this epic novel is the longest book that I've ever read. But the daunting length did nothing to diminish how extremely intriguing the story is. Seriously, this is the best book that I've ever read. King really threw everything into this tale of good versus evil. I can't recommend it highly enough. Baby, can you dig your man?

Hard Case Crime books by various authors - I've decided to lump these together, but they aren't a series of books per se, but a publishing imprint. I had never really read any crime noir fiction before, but the dual siren song of a dollar store find and the best damn covers in the business swayed me. And I'm so glad that I spent those hundred pennies. Last year I ended up reading 17 HCC books and have loved every one of them. The cream of the crop: Christa Faust's Money Shot (murder in the porn industry; this is the title that got me hooked), Lawrence Block's Grifter's Game (the ending is completely shocking; I can only imagine how it played in 1961 when it was first published), and David J. Schow's Gun Work (this would make an excellent revenge movie). Hard Case Crime's original publisher decided to get out of the books-on-paper business this year (damn you, Kindle!), but luckily they found a new home and will resume putting out these pulp classics in the autumn.

Heart-Shaped Box by Joe Hill - Stephen King's son whipped up a very creepy ghost story, about an aging rock star haunted by his past. The first half is great, but it loses steam when the setting changes halfway through. Still worth a read if you want some chills.

The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown - Hey, I'm not above reading airport novels. And I like stories about the Freemasons, so it's got that going for it. In usual Dan Brown fashion, it's briskly paced. It's not as good as Angels & Demons. (The Illuminati are my favorite nutty conspiracy theory.) I'd put it on par with The Da Vinci Code. Great for the beach or your next trip to Washington, DC.

The old college try: Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith - Last year I tried yet again to read this, but I just couldn't get into it (again). It takes a lot for me to abandon a zombie tale and that special something is Jane Austen's writing style.

Today's spookymendation: "World War Z"

While it's not terribly scary, the oral history format does liven up the zombie genre. A great read.

Today's spookymendation: Edgar Allan Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart"

I've barely scratched the works of Richmond's favorite son Edgar Allan Poe, but "The Tell-Tale Heart" has stuck with me ever since I was a little kid. Back then I had an album full of scary stories and this one was among them. Man, I can still hear the actor reading it. GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

See you at Poe's "Memorial Service" at the Poe Museum.

Seven reasons why autumn can't get here soon enough

Man it's hot. It's like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn't take this kind of hot. Even worse, the current pop culture landscape is pretty lackluster. Sure there have been some bright spots these past few months (Toy Story 3, "Breaking Bad"), but overall I've been wanting. With thankfully cooler climates, though, comes some hotly anticipated media and such. Here are seven things I'm greatly looking forward to over the next three months and why I'm not in such a rush to kill myself.



"The Walking Dead" (October): Oh, boy. There are few things I'm looking forward to more this fall in life than this Frank Darabont written/directed/produced AMC adaptation of the ongoing comic book. I think we as a nation are finally ready for a television show set during the zombie apocalypse.



Hot Sauce Committee Pt. 1 (September?): After being delayed a year because of MCA's cancer diagnosis, the new Beastie Boys album is hoped to be released this fall, depending on how his recovery is going. Get better, MCA!



Rock Band 3 (October 26): As more and more information gets released about this game, it's shaping up to be epic and I will be required to take a week off of work when it comes out. One word: keyboards! Two more words: "Bohemian Rhapsody"!



Due Date (November 5): Robert Downey, Jr. + Zach Galifianakis + the director of The Hangover and Old School = at least a few belly laughs, right?



E. Claiborne Robins Stadium (September 18): Spider football finally comes to campus when the new stadium is christened at the home opener against Elon Phoenixeses. Now maybe more than a handful of UR students will actually show up for the games. They have no excuse.



In Fifty Years We'll All Be Chicks (November 2): Over the past year or so I've become a dedicated listener of Adam Carolla's podcast (even with the ill-advised morning zoo-esque format switch) and the man himself. This should be a good book to read while on the can.



Mid-Term Elections (November 2): Hopefully the insanity will be stopped slowed down, though possibly replaced with a different kind of insanity. But at least it won't cost us trillions of dollars. One party rule is good for no one.

Best of 2009: books

This was an embarrassingly light reading year for me. The reasons for my lack of motivation were twofold. First, in the spring I got an Xbox 360, which heavily competed for my free time. Second, I was unable to attend the annual family get together in Hilton Head over the summer, where I normally knock out 4 or 5 books. So, as my reading pile grew (I was still buying books), my time spent reading dwindled.

It should be noted that I rarely reads books the same year they come out. I'm a slow reader and I seem to buy so many that I tend to get behind. Add to that all of the older books that I never got to and those recommended by others, it's hard to keep current. So my list does not reflect a true "Best of 2009", but these are the best that I read this year, in no particular order:

Breathers: A Zombie's Lament by S.G. Browne - Once you've read a certain number of zombie books, you find that they become formulaic and tend to run together. One needs a hook to distinguish itself. World War Z had one by matter of factly filtering the zombie apocalypse through an oral history text. Browne does it by crafting a romantic comedy told through the undead's point of view. This was a fun read, though a certain overused literary device got very grating after about the third use. You'll never look at venison the same again. The good: it's being developed into a film. (Yay!) The bad: Diablo Cody's attached to it. (Boo!)

Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition - Exactly what you'd expect from the Onion: hilarious commentary and general ridiculousness. Only this time their comedic tools are maps, stats, facts, figures, and history. Highly recommended if you need a good laugh.

Watchmen by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons - I can't believe it took the then-highly anticipated feature film adaption to get me to finally read this. And I'm glad I did because you practically have to have a working knowledge of the story in order to follow the movie. But I'm even happier that I gave it a go simply because Moore and Gibbons somehow made a work about costumed vigilantes during the Cold War seem timeless. I don't know how I made it this long being a self-respecting comic book geek without having read it.

Angels and Demons by Dan Brown - Another "read it before the movie comes out, yo" book. Better than The Da Vinci Code, Brown created yet another intense page turner. (Short chapters! Abundant cliffhangers!) Sure, some parts were groan-inducing, but overall it was a nice way to spend my time at the beach.

See, I told you that it was a light year. But I'm hoping that I'll be more of a bookworm in 2010.

Since when do effete, Volvo-driving, latte-sipping NPR types shop at Dollar Tree?

As I was picking up some supplies at Dollar Tree this weekend - oh, those delicious and dirt cheap maple cookies! - I noticed, mingling on the shelf with various baseball books and Bibles, a tome that I never thought would be sold there in a million years: The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman (the "PC guy" from those kinda funny yet also annoying Mac ads). I'd been meaning to give it a read for years now, so of course the one buck price tag made it a no-brainer for me to snap it up. Just flipping through this faux almanac, I think I've found a new bathroom book to replace the recently-read Our Dumb World by the Onion.

I passed on the very current book about Nü Metal, though. Maybe I'll pick that up for a laugh on my next trip. Or not.

Also at the Dollar Tree were a couple of Barenaked Ladies CDs that I shelled out $15 and $20+ for on their respective release dates. If only I had chosen to delay my gratification for six years, I could've saved a ton.

A round of links for my friends

Some interesting articles that I've read over the past week:

• Sometimes those fake Onion op-eds are too crushingly real


• A trip down junk food memory lane


• That's gotta hurt: competitive eating injuries


• 10 years later, Moby breaks down Play


• The Fourth of July is a fraud!


• This piece about Golden Books really takes me back. The exhibit's coming to the Children's Museum of Richmond...in 2011. The Saggy Baggy Elephant FTW!


• Thomas Jefferson: Founding Father, patriot, music lover


• I'm with Radley Balko on this one: if you're taking money from The Man, you aren't punk
.

• "But I didn't order a pizza": who writes porn screenplays?

A round of links for my friends

Need some good reads to pass the time? Here are some interesting articles that I've come across lately (100% Michael Jackson media circus-free!):

• Stripper pole aerobics classes aren't a crime...unless you live in a town like the one from Footloose.


• A lengthy (and a bit preachy towards the end) look at George Orwell's obsession with tobacco.


• The Farrah Fawcett-Ayn Rand connection


• I want to be a sleep tourist. Seriously.


• Did Michael Bay actually make an arthouse movie?


• You know, this may be my sepia-toned nostalgia talking, but 1999 was a really good year for music.


• 18 crazy (and legally unlikely) courtroom scenes

That's about it for now. I think I'll make this a regular thing (yeah, it's easy blog filler).

My Summer Reading List: cars and zombies

Last week my summer reading arrived from Amazon:

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith I've never read any of Austen's stuff before. Why? It's severely lacking in zombie content. Luckily, that oversight has been rectified.

Driving Like Crazy: Thirty Years of Vehicular Hell-Bending by P.J. O'Rourke One of my favorite columnists/pundits/humorists puts the politics aside (mostly) and collects his writing about cars.

Breathers: A Zombie's Lament by S.G. Browne No love is purer than zombie love. Maybe after I read this I'll finally get inspired to write that zombierotica novel that's been kicking around my noggin.

I've really slacked off in my reading lately (thanks, Xbox 360!), but I think these three books should get me back into the swing of things and keep me occupied for a while. After I'm done with them, I'll probably try to put a dent in my immense reading pile by reading some older tomes: Donald Miller's Searching for God Knows What, Stephen Ambrose's Band of Brothers, Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis, William F. Buckley's God & Man at Yale, or Iain Gately's Tobacco.

Then again, I'm tempted to work my way through some epic books whose length seem a bit daunting: Atlas Shrugged, The Stand, or The Count of Monte Cristo (which I've already read the first 1/4th of).

R.I.F.!

Now this is how you get me to read a Jane Austen book

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: The Classic Regency Romance - Now with Ultraviolent Zombie Mayhem! has quickly shot to the top spot of my Summer Reading List. Eat hot lead, undead Mr. Darcy!

Best of 2008: books

Since I'm known as a man of letters, I'm kicking Best Of Week off with 2008's best books (a.k.a. Pretty Much Every Non-Magazine/Internet Bunch Of Words That I Read Last Year):

The best:
Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality by Donald Miller: I just really, really liked this memoir, which details Miller's journey back to God after losing his faith. It's written in a very conversational tone, which makes it seem like he's talking directly to you. While I don't quite always agree with him (mainly, his politics), I found this book to be both enlightening AND enjoyable.

The rest (listed alphabetically):
Dead Sea by Brian Keene
An Inconvenient Book: Real Solutions to the World's Biggest Problems by Glenn Beck
Into Hot Air: Mounting Mount Everest by Chris Elliott
My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face by Michael Ian Black
The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
Rock On: An Office Power Ballad by Dan Kennedy
Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman
Things I've Learned From Women Who've Dumped Me edited by Ben Karlin
A Year at the Movies: One Man's Filmgoing Odyssey by Kevin Murphy

Unfinished reading, so look for these on 2009's list (hopefully):
Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition* by the Onion
When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis
Tobacco: A Cultural History of How an Exotic Plant Seduced Civilization by Iain Gately

Note: This list contains only a handful of books published in 2008 because: a) I rarely buy books right when they are released; b) I have a HUGE reading pile; and c) I'm a pretty slow reader. But the above is what I read - and dug - this past year. Deal with it.

*Hilarious book, but I make only so many trips to the john in a given year.

Micah World Bearded Awesomeness Hall of Fame

Originally, I had planned on recognizing a litany of people who have achieved excellence in facial hair and life*, but then realized it all boiled down to the yin and the yang of bearded awesomeness: Ernest Hemingway and Jim Henson.



One was tough, rugged, manly to the Nth degree, and a literary master. The other was funny, sensitive, good-hearted, and a master of puppets. Both are two of my favorite people that have ever walked the Earth.

I doff my beard and raise a glass to you, good chaps. Although you were two very different people, both you and your beards made this world a better, more bad ass place.

*Rick Rubin, the dude from Iron & Wine, Uncle Jesse, Moses, 2/3 of ZZ Top, Katie Holmes, Jasper from "The Simpsons," Santa Claus, Willie Nelson, Gandalf, Stonewall Jackson, etc.

"Are you now or have you ever been involved in douchebaggery? Remember, sir, that you are under oath."

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My beach reading list has been finalized

Super villains! Master chefs! Seaborne zombies! Elderly Cuban fishermen! Brokenhearted scribes! Gay humorists! Oh my!

Soon I Will Be Invincible by Austin Grossman This'll be first book that I read. My inner geekdom will be stoked as I read about the politics and squabbles of a super villain and a new member of a superhero team.

Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany by Bill Buford Anthony Bourdain gave this book high marks, so that's good enough for me.

Dead Sea by Brian Keene The zombies in this book are the traditional kind, rather than the demoniacally-charged ones from his previous two undead books. It's been a while since I've read a good zombie book and I'm looking forward to this one.

The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway I've owned this book for 15 years now and have yet to read it. For as much as I claim Papa as my favorite author, I'm pretty ashamed. I shall remedy this situation shortly.

Things I've Learned from Women Who've Dumped Me edited by Ben Karlin This is an essay collection by some of the comedy nerd greats: Colbert, Odenkirk, Richter, Oswalt, Wain, and Hornby, among others. Will it live up to how much I've hyped this up in my head? We'll see.

When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris Honestly, I started this last night and will likely knock it out well before I set foot on the sand. I just couldn't wait, plus it's a hardcover (beach reads MUST be paperback).

Requisites: Summertime Books

To Have and Have Not by Ernest Hemingway This is the story of a fisherman who has to turn to smuggling just to make ends meet. I think that this summer I'll rediscover my favorite bipolar, suicidal, alcoholic writer (no, not Judy Blume).

Don't Stop the Carnival by Herman Wouk It's kind of like a Caribbean-set "Fawlty Towers" (and it's been turned into a musical by Jimmy Buffett!). Funny stuff.

Parliament of Whores by P.J. O'Rourke It is an election year, so why not bone up on how the federal government really works?

The Rising by Brian Keene Zombie goodness.

A Cook's Tour: Global Adventures in Extreme Cuisines by Anthony Bourdain The beach is hot; so is a kitchen. But only one gives you food (odd and sometimes disgusting as it may be).

When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris This just came out and my copy is on its way, so I can't pass judgment on it just yet. But I have yet to read a Sedaris book or magazine/radio piece that I didn't like.

My Custom Van: And 50 Other Mind-Blowing Essays that Will Blow Your Mind All Over Your Face by Michael Ian Black I saw him read a few of these essays at a show he did here in Richmond earlier in the year and they were pretty funny. I'm really looking forward to getting this. Side note: I bought a copy of State by State with the State when it came out and now I see that it is fetching between $70-$122 on Amazon Marketplace. Keep the book, dump it now, or hang onto it in hopes that it'll fund my retirement?

Audiobooks

Sometimes you just don't want to put forth the effort to read. I can get the same way. When you are feeling like that, here a couple of audiobooks for when you are stuck in your car or the Metro or are just plain ol' lazy:

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks The interview format of the book translates really well to the audiobook format. Plus it's got a good cast (Carl Reiner, Rob Reiner, Henry Rollins, John Turturro, Mark Hamill, Jürgen Prochnow, Alan Alda, etc.)

Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris His books are great, but I think he shines on his audiobooks because you can hear what words he emphasizes and inflects, not to mention the funny character voices and his hilarious Billie Holiday impersonation.

Beach reading

Although I by no means expect to plow through all of them, these are the books I brought to the beach with me this week:



Into Hot Air: Mounting Mount Everest by Chris Elliott (read)



Rock On: An Office Power Ballad by Dan Kennedy (reading)



Our Dumb World: The Onion's Atlas of the Planet Earth, 73rd Edition (bathroom reading)



Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality by Donald Miller (on deck)



Velvet Elvis: Repainting the Christian Faith by Rob Bell



Searching For God Knows What by Donald Miller



The Man Who Was Thursday by G.K. Chesterton

Requiem for wordsmith

R.I.P. William F. Buckley, 1925-2008.



You're no doubt up there fighting the good fight, using words that would make even Noah Webster consult a dictionary.

I bought one of his word-a-day calendars in the 90s and tried to incorporate each day's word into everyday conversation. That lasted about a week.

Holiday playing "Holiday in Cambodia"

It's not unnatural for me to knock out 2 or 3 books while I'm on vacation. For the most part I ignore TV and other things that suck away my time in the regular world and devote my downtime to reading.

So, here I've been at the beach for the past three days and I've barely put a dent in the books I brought. Why? My nephews brought down "Guitar Hero III". It's been a hit amongst everyone in the house*.

I sucked terribly when I first played the original version a few years ago. But now I am a master of the "easy" level. I live green, red, and yellow circles. You should see me shred. Really, I'm that good.

But if I hear "Slow Ride" one more time, I'll bash the faux guitar against the wall.

*The game gets bonus points for having a Stone Roses song, albeit in cover band form, but still...