Friday, July 01, 2005

The Nerd Uprising has begun...

Look at any period in history where a group of people have overcome oppression and you'll see that each uprising started with a lone incident. Well, comedian Patton Oswalt has struck the first blow for geeks in the face of the tyranny of the Beautiful People. This brave act occurred while he was doing a stand-up performance in London. I know you're probably sick of me pimping out his blog, but this a riot. Ladies and gentelmen, the Nerd Uprising is not far off:

[I] had one of the best insult battles I've ever had with a group of three stunning hotties in my front row at my Friday show. They sat, arms crossed, checking their cell phones for text messages, all through the first twenty minutes of my set. One of them said, loud enough for only me to hear, "Let's GO already".

"Are you guys okay?" I asked.

"Too much fucking CURSING," came the non-ironic reply.

"Are're kidding, right?"

"It's not clev-AH, the way you're just cursing."

I wish I'd been recording that show - the next twenty minutes were PURE GOLD. Firstly, all three of these girls were the kind of beautiful that spends its life in a non-stop IMAX movie of people agreeing with whatever it says. Even if said beauty never thinks twice about what it says, how it feels about anything, or if it even likes what it likes or hates what it hates. The Paris Hilton gene, which is spreading like the Spanish flu.

Secondly, it was so much for for me to watch their escalating, verging-on-panic reaction to my questioning - IN FRONT OF ALL OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE, ALL OF WHOM SHOULD BE AGREEING WITH THE HOTTIES - their opinion. Guys who look like me do NOT question these girls or their opinions - EVER. One of the hotties kept looking back angrily at the audience every time they'd laugh at something I said. I kept giving them every chance to leave, but they were determined to stay, and win.

Of course, "winning" in their world consisted of saying, "You don't know me, so fuck off." Like that would end the argument. Probably, every day of their lives up to that point, it did. When I wouldn't stop (wouldn't stop = didn't take "Fuck off" as the end of the argument) they almost started screaming. Weird, non-verbal shrieking, all together. I wanted to book myself and them at Edinburgh, and the show would be them sitting on stage, and saying something like, "Jennifer Lopez has awesome songs," and then me saying, "No, she sucks." And then they'd start screaming, and I'd hold up a delicate glass, and their screaming would carve sonic shapes into the glass, like at the end of THE TIN DRUM.

They finally left. And, according to one of the theater ushers, walked up Dean Street, one of them screaming, "I'm not THICK!" Which, now that I think of it, isn't something you should ever have to say, out loud, about yourself.

Don't say you weren't warned.


Anonymous said...

Hot cannot be stopped for the sheer fact that everyone loves hot. Stupid cannot be stopped either because their numbers are too great. God save us if there should be an uprising of the stupid lead by a clique of evil hot demagogues. No metaphors, irony, or allegory - no matter how clever- will protect us.

Micah said...

Now I'm scared.

jasdye said...

ok, your post is hilarious.

here's my question, who in the flippin' universe designated paris hilton as an arbitror or bearer of hotness?

heartbreak, i would say your universe is coming apocalyptic mode, save hilton just is not 1)pretty, 2) sexy, 3) even nice-looking. but she is an evil demagogue.

'you don't know me so shut up.' oh gosh. and i use 'yo mama' too much, but at least everybody knows i'm joking.

Micah said...

Not to mention that Paris has the body of a 12 year old boy. Not exactly the thing of my fantasies.

Personally, I can't stand her.

Anonymous said...

Now, I thought I had replied to this...but then again, I've been getting drunk every day for the last couple days. So what do I know? Anyhow, I sincerely hope neither of you are under the false impression that I included Paris Hilton under the sacred banner of Hotness. Because I most certainly do not. I do, however, have a certain amount of admiration for the way that she has fooled America, and perhaps the world, into believing that she should be considered (a) famous and (b) hot. And on top of that, she's already rich! It's so deliciously evil! But anyhow, this feeds back into my original argument that Hot + Stupid = An Unstoppable Force. Paris is but a fakir, a usurper, a svengali... and she's got the moronic public fooled. Can you imagine what kind of power true hotness with brainiac capabilities would wield? I see it as being akin to The Baroness staging a coup within COBRA, deposing Cobra Commander, installing her longtime lover Destro as second-in-command, and filling out the rest of her inner circle with evil hot models. They would rule with an iron fist and killer stilletos.

jasdye said...

gi joe references that i don't recall? heartbreak, you're a mean one.

by the way, irony has never saved us. it's only a salve for our wounds when the cruel bullies of the world take us on. (witness woody allen. never confused for hot or stupid.)

ok, and jennifer lopez and beyonce knowles are both ultra-hot. jlow has convinced the stupid (witness the two) that she is a talented singer/songwriter, somewhat akin to - but hotter than - bob dylan. beyonce is ultra talented, but somewhat of a dim bulb.

maybe if they both joined forces w/ heiress hiltons, maybe we'll just get a sequel to 'white chicks.'

now that, i'd put money down for.

Anonymous said...

the g.i. joe scenario was hypothetical. but the reference to the Baroness and Destro canoodling is rooted in fact. See the old Marvel comics series for details.

Admittedly, I kinda stopped reading after that. Something about JLo and Beyonce? Irony? Songwriting? I didn't think either of them were actually songwriters. Do they write everything on their albums? Most of it? Some of it? I save that "songwriter" handle for cats like Prince, John Fogerty, and Stevie Wonder. If you're not writing, you're just a performer.

jasdye said...

beyonce does write some of her stuff, if not most of it. jennifer lopez, i don't know. my point is that her fans think she is.

never read the comics. except to see more of snake eyes, he was the coolest, easily. not that i wasn't a comic book geek, just watched the toons like every day. and the first couple movies with the dna cobra guy.

and why am i responding if you didn't read the first one, drunky?!

Micah said...

Great analysis of Paris. She's the absolute worst type of celebrity: famous for being famous.

I'm not going to knock performers because when I look at all these crooner cats that I like - rarely did they write their own stuff. Johnny Cash, although a songwriter, recorded a shitload of other people's songs (as is the nature of country music). Also, you don't take sides against Sinatra.

jasdye said...

not on your life, swingin' jive hep cat.