Sunday, July 31, 2005

But who did Stryper date?

You're probably tired of me seemingly always pimping Patton Oswalt, so I'll pimp someone else: columnist/author Chuck Klosterman. Right now I'm on a total CK kick: I just read his Fargo Rock City and am going to pick up his new one - Killing Yourself to Live - from the library tomorrow. The following is a passage from the former:

Still we somehow managed to use a band's songs and videos - and more importantly, a band's social posture - to get an image of what kind of women they preferred (or appeared to prefer)...Here's a list of what type of girls the premier metal groups liked (or at least seemed to like)...

GUNS N' ROSES: Bisexual models; submissive women; girls who would buy them booze.
MOTLEY CRUE: Strippers; women who have sex in public (particularly elevators); lesbians.
RATT: Hookers with a heart of gold. Or strippers with a heart of gold. Or thirteen-year-olds.
WARRANT: Virgins who exhibited the potential to become nymphomaniacs.
DEF LEPPARD: Drunk girls; female vampires.
THE CULT: Female vampires only.
W.A.S.P.: Magician's assistants; women with rape fantasies; lower primates.
AEROSMITH: Models, but not waifs; high school snobs; more girls who like having sex in elevators.
TESLA: Farm girls; whoever they used to date in junior high.
SKID ROW: Nameless, faceless, top-heavy sex machines (with hearts of gold).
BULLETBOYS: Girls with particularly deep birth canals.
L.A. GUNS: Drug-addled hitchhikers who like rough sex.
BANG TANGO: Faster Pussycat rejects.
VAN HALEN: Party girls; bikini models; the homecoming queen; cast members of "One Day at a Time."
DAVID LEE ROTH (solo): The same as Van Halen, except with bigger boobs.
BON JOVI: The girl next door.
VINNIE VINCENT INVASION: The dominatrix next door.
SLAUGHTER: Girls who couldn't make the cut as Bon Jovi groupies.
WINGER: Whoever Bon Jovi groupies used to baby-sit.
POISON: Girls who liked to tease; girls from small towns; good girls gone bad.
KISS: Any girl who wasn't dead.
IRON MAIDEN: Dead girls.
METALLICA: None of the above.

Really, he's the only reason I keep my subscription to Spin.


spydrz said...

What was the name of that band we saw the sticker for at the Islanders game?

jasdye said...

Stryper dated pk who wanted to tick their preacher fathers off and / or liked good Christian men who wear yellow and black spandex, more makeup than Tammy Faye and bigger hair than Cher.

Micah said...

spydrz - I completely forget, but I'm sure that that band doesn't rock as hard as Linear or Atrophe.

jasdye - Forgive my ignorance, but who are "pk"? Really, I wasn't into the hair metal scene. I was the Alt Boy growing up (the Smiths, the Cure, REM, etc.). One of my good friends from college is a metal devotee and I learned a lot from him.

kate - I am all over CK's jock. Can't really compare him to Thompson, since I've never read any of that guy's work (it's on my list, though). I do have the movie adaption of Fear and Loathing and if that is representative of Thompson's printed material, then CK is MUCH LESS drug-addled. I picked up the new book today, but haven't cracked it yet. Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs is highly recommended.

spydrz said...

PK=Preacher's Kid

Ain't you from the South?

Micah said...

D'oh! I must've been busy drinking sweet tea.

jasdye said...

thanks, spydrz. you'd've thought he'd catch it in the immediate context.

please, i was into pop music (bon jovi, belinda carlisle, prince, mj [can't even say his name anymore]) and 50's r&r and motown until high school. the cure scared me for awhile.

then it was depeche mode and eventually CCM (contemporary Christian music).

now, i'm making up for lost time. trying to listen to - and hear out - all types of music.

hair metal, though, sucks.