Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Looks like I'm due for a few lifestyle changes

Recently I've been trying to whittle down my Archives (a.k.a. HUGE stacks of magazines that have piled up in my office) and came across this little nugget in an old issue of Esquire:

Things a Man Should Never Do Past the Age of 30


"Once it hits your lips it's so good."

Bring his mitt to a professional baseball game. * Turn boxers inside out and wear them for two more days. * TIVO "Laguna Beach: The Real Orange County." * Use Dial soap as shampoo. * Yell, "Run, Forrest, Run!" at someone in the airport trying to catch his plane. * Eat cereal endorsed by a cartoon character. * Channel Frank the Tank. * Put his face between a woman's breasts and make a gurgling motorboat sound. * Use a crunk song for his cell phone ring. * Googlewhack. * Refer to either his friends or his testes as "my boys." * Refer to his "boys" as "Chang and Eng." * Devise secret handshakes. * Use sports metaphors for sex. * Use sex metaphors for sports. * Refer to Latina women as mamasitas. * Dry hump. * Have a welcome mat in front of his home that says, "Fuck Off." * Watch past the end credits for the Adam Sandler "gag reel." * Order Long Island iced teas. * Teach foreign speakers that the way to ask for directions in English is "Will you tickle my man snake?" * Drink beer out of a helmet. * Wear a T-shirt with a rhino on it that says, "I'm Horny." * Let a magazine tell him he's too old to do dumb shit."

Well, damn. There's no way I'm giving up my Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch.

Shifting gears, has anyone picked up the new Kanye West CD? My level of interest in it skyrocketed when I found out that Jon Brion (composer of the Eternal Sunshine and Huckabees movie scores, as well as producer for Amiee Mann and Fiona Apple) co-produced the album. How the hell did those two get together?

(I think I'm putting the Free Music Tuesday thing on hold for a while. Aside from THSE, there doesn't seem to be any interest in it.)

7 comments:

jasdye said...

now, by "past 30" it means, "beginning at the age of 31," right?

'cuz then i have a few months of a grace period to unlearn a lot of things.

Captain Backfire said...

Shit...only 5 years, one month, and 24 days of secret handshakes left? I gots to get shaking.

And no more Fruity Pebbles? Screw it; I ain't getting old.

THSE said...

keep sending music my way. direct deposit will do nicely.

keep doing whatever you like. Provided, of course, it's not the sort of thing that will land you in jail. Unless you're pulling off HEAT-style heists.

If that is the case then, by all means, please continue what you were doing.

And give me a call.

Kate The Great said...

Okay, but fess up. How many of these rules have you already broken?

KPMD said...

I'm glad those rules apply to men only. If not, I'd have only a year left to do all the "googlewhacking" I could do.
BTW, how were the penguins? Was it like a Leni Riefenstahl film? Or at all like a Dave Matthews song? I'm dying to see those penguins and their sly marching ways.

Micah said...

jasdye - I don't think there's a firm date. Do what you have to.

CB - You will succumb to the ravages of old age, too! Death stalks you at every turn! DEEEEEEEATH!

THSE - Will do. And we're planning on knocking over a few casinos next time we go to vegas. How are you with explosives?

KtG - In the past week? About 85% of them. What can I say? I like to dry hump.

KPMD - The penguins were awesome. A word of warning: there's one scene where they knock boots. I saw The Great Raid the day before, so I dubbed last weekend the "Baton Death March of the Penguins" (heh heh - I'll have to use that in real post sometime). Seriously, it's a great flick, although the mind boggles how it would've been handled had Michael Moore been at the helm...

jasdye said...

think moore would've blown himself up like in "team america"?

"matt da-mon!"