My favorite movie reviewer has to be Doug Benson. You may know him as one of the commentators on VH1's "Best Week Ever." His hilariously profane "I Love Movies!" column, which contains a bunch of brief movie "reviews," is always cynical and pulls no punches when bringing Hollywood's ever-increasing mediocrity to light. Some choice reviews:
HITCH: It's laugh-out-of-your-fart-hole funny! And fart-out-of-your-laugh-hole awful.
PHANTOM OF THE OPERA: A film version of a Broadway musical directed by Joel Schumacher. Somebody call Guiness, we've found the gayest thing ever!
HOTEL RWANDA: I think the Eagles said it best when they sang, "You can check out any time you want, but you can never be sure you won't perish in a horrible, senseless genocide."
VERA DRAKE: If you love abortions, you'll love it!
CLOSER: Just because Julia Roberts recently gave birth to twins, and Natalie Portman is young enough to be my younger sister, don't think I'm not gonna go to this movie in my trench coat and do what I gotta do.
SHE HATE ME: She not alone.
NEW YORK MINUTE: If I had to choose a favorite between Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen (and thank goodness I don't!), I'd go with Ashley because she's already got a stripper name.
13 GOING ON 30: Gave me 6 going on 6 and a half!
THE GIRL NEXT DOOR: The good news: this isn't one of those turns-out-the-girl-next-door-isn't-really-a-porn-star-it-was-just-a-misunderstanding movies. The bad news: it is one of those girl-next-door-wants-to-quit-being-a-porn-star-and-you-never-even-get-to-see-her-naked movies.
MONSTER: Why would I go see an ugly Charlize Theron when I've never liked a movie featuring the pretty Charlize Theron?
MONA LISA SMILE: This (broken-down) Julia Roberts vehicle takes place at an all-girl school, yet none of the students experiment with lesbianism. I call bullshit!
LOST IN TRANSLATION: Because her first film depicted Kirsten Dunst committing suicide, and her second one opens with a shot of Scarlett Johansson's ass, Sophia Coppola is quite possibly the greatest director ever!
I AM SAM: Retarded.