Saturday, January 28, 2006

A million little mea culpas

Recently, the Smoking Gun has unearthed some discrepencies between my blog (and memoir What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?) and the events that actually happened to me. Among the instances that my critics cite me taking the most glaring liberties:

  • I never shot black tar heroin directly into my eyes. Rather, I simply watched Pulp Fiction a lot.
  • Me and the Coreys (Feldman and Haim) having an orgy with all 52 Miss America 1987 contestants? Regrettably, no.
  • I did not attend the University of Richmond, but I did get my GED.
  • My entire sordid tale of spending a night in Bangkok was actually lifted from the lyrics of "One Night in Bangkok".
  • I am not a cancer survivor. It must've just been some bad clams.
  • My affair with Lisa Whelchel ("Blair" from "The Facts of Life") never occurred. I just wrote her like a billion letters that remain unanswered.
  • I never actually saved a lot on my car insurance.
  • My favorite movie is not Citizen Kane, but actually Roadhouse.
  • I did not march with Martin Luther King, Jr. However, I have seen every episode of "The Jeffersons" multiple times.
  • In my book, I wrote that I killed 12 hobos. That number is actually 9.
  • I am not the inspiration for "The Dude" in The Big Lebowski.
  • The accounts of me being unwillingly sold into the S&M sex trade are ficticious. Again, I have watched Pulp Fiction a lot.
  • I never played nose tackle for the Jets. I came close to finishing a season of "NFL Blitz", though.
  • That part about me doing a nickel in Chino is false. But I've gotten 4 speeding tickets.
  • "Pay at the pump" was not my idea.
  • The account of me doing whippets with the guys from Journey backstage at the Rose Bowl is not true. Instead, I ate a whole tub of Cool Whip while listening to the band's Escape album in my bedroom.

I am truly sorry if I have caused you to think less of me and my seafaring tales of adventure. What is important, though, is the underlying message of recovery and redemption (Oprah be damned). Also, I am hoping to turn this whole thing into another book deal.


Anonymous said...

bwahahaha! I think this cured my hangover.

spydrz said...

The Dude abides.

Is there a Ralph's around here?

Mags said...

In my opinion, this is the funniest post you've ever written. Thanks for the laugh.

jasdye said...

look at that!

you made me chuckle out loud.

really funny, were you saving up for those bits?

Anonymous said...

Now I know you're full of it. Your favorite movie is "Cabin Boy."

Kate The Great said...

Add me to the list of people who've laughed out loud. And I'm at work, to boot. Damn Micah. And here I thought you were an exciting guy.

Hey are you going to come way down south to the Nati before you move away?

Micah said...

Wow - such a response for some post I tossed off on a Saturday afternoon. Where do I go from here? Might as well hang it all up.

I'd like to dedicate this post to my brother, who I have been playfully giving shit to for "coincidentally" reading that Faulkner book at the time Oprah made it a book club selection.

THSE - Never underestimate the healing powers of MW.

spydrz - Indeed. I'm long overdue for another viewing of that film.

Mags - Thanks! Glad you liked it.

jasdye - Mission accomplished. Those were off the dome - sort of a comedic blog freestyle.

CB - I had actually had a crush on Blair back in the day (didn't write any letters, though). Jumped the shark, huh? Guess I can add a cute kid to the cast and my plotlines will become increasingly outlandish.

dubin - You caught me. Another lie.

KtG - My life is nothing but deceit and lies. I'm planning on coming down to Cincy before The Move. (Unless I'm lying)