I admit it. I love watching "Real Time with Bill Maher" every week. Sure, the panels usually go the "gang up on the conservative" route and Bill's tirades against religion get old, but I still enjoy it. And the best part are his "New Rules". Some choice ones from last week's episode:
New Rule: Until one of the winners of "America's Next Top Model" gets an actual modeling job, they can't use the name, "Top Model." These women seem nice, but they're not "top models," because they aren't breathtaking beauties, Eastern European or 12. So let's call the show what it actually is: "A Bunch of 9's Taking Shit From Tyra Banks."
New Rule: I'm sorry you got beaten up by Yanni, but when you roll with a brother this motherfuckin' hardcore, you can't call 5-0 when he plays a little rough.
New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.
New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.
That last line almost had me do a spit-take with my drink.