Sunday, March 05, 2006

"And the Oscar goes to...'Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo'"

"Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over four hours" - Johnny Carson

It's finally here - Oscar Night (or as former Kid in the Hall Scott Thompson refers to it, "The Gay Superbowl"). It's time to find out what politically-charged films shunned by the general moviegoing public will take home the top honors. I predict that this will be the big winner:


Occasional MW commenter Shamrock and "friend"

To help you pass the time while you watch the red carpet arrivals, here are some goodies:

-a streaming video for one of my favorite singer-songwriter's cute lil' song "Gay Cowboy" (there was an mp3 of the song available at his site, but I can't find it now; let me know if you want it.)
-Actor and ghetto pass holder Michael Rapaport's hip-hop song "How To Rob An Actor" he made with the High & Mighty (Rapidshare link).

To answer everyone's question as to who I'm wearing, it's Adidas, Simple, and J.Crew.

Last year's chat was so much fun, it'll be hard to replicate. But we can try. So let the predictions, trash talk, and cattiness begin. We'll all be hetero in the morning.

274 comments:

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Captain Backfire said...

First post, bi-atch! Let the games begin.

In like an hour. I've gots to go get me some foodstuffs.

Thanks for not using any of the other...um, questionable pics from that weekend. Shamrock's shame is enough to go around. We needn't revisit mine.

Can you disable this GD word verification for the night?

Micah said...

Your gentleman caller wasn't wearing a cowboy hat, so...

Good idea on the word verification.

I'm heading to my aunt and uncle's now and then will be eating, so it'll be a while before I next chime in. But I'll be sure to catch up.

spydrz said...

Yay! No comment verification. Good call, CB.
I'll be enjoying the DOG marathon on A&E since we all know what movie will be picked to win everything.

spydrz said...

By the way, I'm pretty sure it's spelled "gigolo."

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/gigolo

spydrz said...

While we're waiting, there are multiple reruns of "24" on. I've developed a new drinking game based on that show. Every time the word "protocol" is used, drink.

KPMD said...

Hey Micah,

Longtime reader, first-time poster (in a while). Shamrock and I are hanging pictures and watching the preshow. He was surprised to know that Sandra Bullock was married to Jesse James. So, perhaps he's not as gay as the above picture suggests.

We will be dining on the finest South Philly Pizza this evening (drinking a fab Barbera d'Asti, of course). I am wearing jeans by Old Navay and a daring red sweater. Phil's wearing a Carolina Blue Tommy number, offset by retro 501s, Levi Strauss.

Let the games begin!

Captain Backfire said...

According to my program guide, I have 1280 channels. In spite of that variety, I'm watching the pre-show arrival. And I don't really know why.

But let it be said: celebrities look scary in Hi-Def. Except Jessica Alba. She is perfect in every way.

Captain Backfire said...

Holy shit. The return of KPMD. This is cause for celebration.

Say hi to your lesser half for me.

spydrz said...

Welcome to the Philthydelphia contingent!

Captain Backfire said...

Oh: almost forgot. White Gap long sleeve tee, Addidas shorts, Sox hat. BBQ chicken burrito and a 2000 Saffiro Barolo (later, not with the burrito).

spydrz said...

LL Bean, Nordstrom Jeans, socks. Sammy "Black Lager."

KPMD said...

Shamrock sends his "Brokeback" tidings to all. Excellent wine choice, CB. Shamrock thinks Felicity Huffman is "rockin' it". (Of course, when I asked him who he thought looked the best, his first answer was, "George Clooney, what I wouldn't do to that man.")

KPMD said...

P.S. Anyone have any idea why Sandra Bullock is there with Keanu Reeves?

Captain Backfire said...

I have to agree on Felicity. But she's got the Sheryl Crow breastplate thing going on. Girl needs a bit more meat on dem bones. Nevertheless, I'd hit it.

Ryan Seacrest informs me that Sandra and Keanu have a(nother) movie together coming out in late Spring/early Summer. No word if a bus will be involved.

spydrz said...

Will the bus jump UP?

Captain Backfire said...

Dunno. But maybe CTU can remotely disable the bomb...er, missle...er, cannisters aboard said bus.

spydrz said...

As long as Kim Bauer's involved, count me in.

Captain Backfire said...

Anyone watching the preshow on ABC? Is Felicity Huffman drunk?

KPMD said...

Dude, what is up with this opening sequence. It is uber-brokeback.

Captain Backfire said...

All it's doing is reminding me of when I actually wanted to see the movies Hollywood was putting out.

Unlike, say, the past 5 years.

Micah said...

Hey, bitches. I'm in.

KPMD, so nice to see your return. Don't be a stranger around here on March 6.

There's only one word to describe my emotions right now: giddy.

Captain Backfire said...

Over/under on anti-Bush jokes: 9.5

spydrz said...

Think we'll hit 250 comments tonight?

Micah said...

I'm calling it: Steve Martin and Dave Lettermen will be the highlight.

KPMD said...

Okay, this part's pretty funny.

Captain Backfire said...

Thank you, good night. End it there, Jon. Ain't gonna get any better.

The Law Fairy said...

My prediction: Steve Martin wigs are the Next Big Thing

Captain Backfire said...

There's a theme to the Oscars? Is this a prom?

Micah said...

law fairy - great to have you here.

Yeah, the opening was great. Monologue...not so much.

The Law Fairy said...

But you have to admit, the thing about them actually voting for a winner -- that was pretty funny

Captain Backfire said...

I think George Clooney would be a really cool BFF. Or f**k buddy. Either/or.

Micah said...

law fairy - WHO ARE YOU WEARING?!

CB - Or, as they say in South Park, "butt buddies".

The Law Fairy said...

Micah, I'm dazzling the crowd in my Hana Sport yoga pants and a tshirt hell tank top. I even showered!!

Captain Backfire said...

I have an idea: give away some goddamn awards. Some of us would like to go to bed soon. It's a school night, for pete's sake!

Micah said...

These clips are getting me hot 'n' bothered.

The Law Fairy said...

Best. Cowboy montage. Ever.

spydrz said...

They haven't given out any awards yet?

Captain Backfire said...

Is the orchestra playing DURING the speeches? That sucks. Me no likey.

Micah said...

No blood for oil!

KPMD said...

Shamrock's Decision Matrix: what does the Academy think would embarass/enrage GW...thing is he probably is in bed by now and could care less.

Captain Backfire said...

I've got $20 that says the last flick GWB caught was "Animal House". And that was in the theater. During it's original run.

But I do love the McG's and their conspiracy theories! Keep 'em coming.

Micah said...

I want to brace y'all: I've heard that there will be two production numbers tonight. Ugh.

Micah said...

The Da Vinci Code is in the can (I think). Lose the hair, Tom (unless you're doing reshoots). He looked like that at the Grammys, too.

spydrz said...

Production numbers? So glad I'm not tuning in.

Captain Backfire said...

Will Tanith Belbin be performing in either? 'Cause that will redeem entirely.

The Law Fairy said...

Can Ben Stiller present every award? I just like the way he reads off the nominees

KPMD said...

Roll Call!

I'm 2 for 2

Look's like poor Micah's losing already, way to go with your heart.

Captain Backfire said...

1/3. No DVD for me, I fear.

KPMD said...

Whoops!

I spoke too soon. I'm now 3 for 3.

The Law Fairy said...

I think I'm one for two, but I have to double check

Micah said...

Yeah, I'm 1 for 3. I figured that the Academy may feel sorry for passing over Paul G. for the past few years. Guess not.

KPMD said...

There's still a lot of Oscar left, CB.

panthergirl said...

OK, better late than never (me)... I'm with the Law Fairy... best cowboy montage ever indeed. Hilarious.

I'm 2 for 3...

KPMD said...

Just so long as spydrz doesn't wrongly claim the throne.

Captain Backfire said...

Uh, Micah? You're 2 for 3 dude.

Oh, Jesus. Dolly? Really? Yech.

panthergirl said...

OK, could the Wallace and Gromit guys BE ANY NERDIER?????

The Law Fairy said...

er, 1 for 3. Not paying attention, but now I have my Oscar omelette ready for eatin'

Captain Backfire said...

Woo.

Woo.

Ooh.

Woo...woo...

I know all the words already!

spydrz said...

I didn't wrongly claim the throne. You can thank Yahoo! for that.

The Law Fairy said...

Okay, I'll be the bitchy one who says it...

I get that (shudder) a country song was nominated for best song, but this is still the Oscars, NOT the CMA. Dolly, wear a freakin' DRESS!

Micah said...

I forgot about my King Kong pick. Woo-hoo!

panthergirl - It's subtle British humour. Be glad they weren't in dresses running around to "Yakety Sax".

I don't care if she's 60, I still think I'd have sexual relations with Dolly.

The Law Fairy said...

yeah, 2 for 4 baby!

KPMD said...

I think we are all enjoying Jon Stewart than the attendees are.

And I think CB is just sour grapes cuz his boyfriend, Dave Matthews, isn't nominated.

Shamrock has just volunteered to create a website with a weighted pool for next year.

GD!, I'm now 3 for 4. I wish I knew the director were gay, I would have picked that.

I love the Wilson brothers. They are funny and weird-cute.

KPMD said...

I think Phil's matrix is working. Gay Again! You can't write this stuff!

spydrz said...

Jon Stewart's hosting? Yet another reason I'm glad that there's a DOG marathon on.

Captain Backfire said...

Now THERE'S someone I'd have sexual relations with. Repeatedly. (Aniston, that is...)

Micah said...

I believe past years' Yahoo pools were weighted. This stupid EW one doesn't even have tie-breakers. I have a feeling that's going to make things difficult.

Captain Backfire said...

I'm tied with Spydrz. Something is wrong in the world when that happens.

Micah said...

Oh, yeah: panthergirl, WHO ARE YOU WEARING?!

Captain Backfire said...

I was only halfway paying attention. Was Christ in that montage? 'Cause, you know: Lou Gehrig was...and they're about equally important. Historically, that is...

The Law Fairy said...

I heart Will Ferrell and Steve Carell

Micah said...

Yeah, Will and Steve rule.

I'm going to see Oscar winner King Kong on Tuesday ($.50 day at the dollar theater). That's $.166666666666 of entertainment per hour.

Micah said...

I prefer Rachael as a brunette, but I'd still "do" her (as the kids say).

KPMD said...

Wow, she looks pretty horrible. I hope that's for a role.

Captain Backfire said...

Oooh. Frances McDormand got all dressed up. Classy.

The Law Fairy said...

I'd do Rachel Weisz

panthergirl said...

Micah, I'm wearing VICTORIA'S SECRET, pajama collection.

And right now, along with KPMD, I'm also wearing "first place". ;)

THSE said...

What the hell? Nobody told me there was an awards show on tonight? Does this mean there's no "Desperate Housewives"?

BTW, I'm wearing a wifebeater & boxers ensemble by Hanes.

P.S. Go KPMD!

Captain Backfire said...

Looks like someone already did Rachel Weisz. Succesfully, I might add.

Micah said...

Very bold move by McDormand to not look attractive at all.

law fairy - Me too!!!! Wow - former Crush looking all...bountiful (and preggers).

What, men can't enjoy the new Tab? Is it pH balanced or something.

Captain Backfire said...

I'd do Lauren Bacall.




Kidding.

Micah said...

THSE - Three words: Skinemax on Demand.

The Law Fairy said...

I hope when I'm whatever age Lauren Bacall is I look as good as her. She may be old, but DAMN is she classy. And could also use a teleprompter with bigger print.

panthergirl said...

Oh boy.... Lauren Bacall is really struggling... shoot me before I get that old, ok?

panthergirl said...

Wow I really like this gay detective montage...

Captain Backfire said...

It's Gay Montage night. Next: the "gay golf movies starring Jackie Mason" montage.

panthergirl said...

PRIVATE DICK INDEED

Micah said...

Then gay Havery Firestein movies.

The Law Fairy said...

They should do all nominee spots like political commercials

panthergirl said...

Those were great... loved the Reese one.

Captain Backfire said...

Is it bad that I don't know the difference between "Crash" and "Hustle and Flow"? Or does that make me just another whitey?

Micah said...

We'd call you "stupid wop dago".

Ah, Kiera. If only one could put her beautiful head on a woman's body...

Captain Backfire said...

Seriously: I heart George Clooney.

Micah said...

Dude, get a room.

I can hear Shamrock right now: "Damn Pengoons!"

Captain Backfire said...

Um. Isn't this chick also on the West Wing? Or has she a doppleganger?

KPMD said...

Man, first penguins, then monkeys. Phil thinks all commercials should feature monkeys misbehavin'

Mindy said...

is it sad that Harry Potter is the only movie I've seen on this show tonight?

Captain Backfire said...

Gay Social Issue montage?

Meh...

The Law Fairy said...

Micah, you didn't see Brokeback?!

KPMD and Panther -- dammit, stop getting them all right!! I feel like I'm sooo close...

Micah said...

Mindy - WHO ARE YOU WEARING?!

No, I haven't seen Brokeback. I'll catch it on cable...late night.

Hey, it's Samuel Jackson, star of the upcoming Snakes on a Plane (I wish I was kidding).

panthergirl said...

That MUSIC!!! OMG... could it be an louder???

panthergirl said...

Micah... seriously, you should see Brokeback in the theater. It is just gorgeous.

KPMD said...

What is this guy talking about? Just give out some freakin' awards!!!

Captain Backfire said...

State of the heart, KPMD. Not state of the art.

Duh.

The Law Fairy said...

SERIOUSLY

We get it. Watch movies in the theater. Okay, moving on...

Micah said...

I'll probably catch it when it gets to the dollar theater. That's not a slam on the movie (I REALLY want to see Narnia, but am waiting on that one, too).

Mickey Rooney is still alive?!

Mindy said...

Micah I am wearing Miami...care of the Dubois bookstore...
And I haven't been watching all night but what the hell is with the music the minute people open their mouths?

Also a thought occurs that this show could be a lot shorter without all the stupid categories and movie montages...

Captain Backfire said...

'Nawlins shout-out! 504 represent!

Captain Backfire said...

Salma Hayek: master of the English language.

Mindy said...

She just said "oscar weiner" hehe

KPMD said...

Salma...be...hot. Left boob may pop out, though. Keep an eye out for that, Micah.

Micah said...

Mmmmm...Salma.

The Law Fairy said...

Is it just me or did the orchestra just hold out the first note of the Star Wars theme and then let us down?

Micah said...

Mindy - Tonight is the night the stars come out to shine. Deal with it.

Micah said...

Only us nerds, law fairy. Only us nerds...

The Law Fairy said...

Dude, whatever. Nerds rule.

spydrz said...

Is it over yet?

Micah said...

Why didn't anybody tell me that I left out Scott Thompson's name in the original post?

Jerks.

KPMD said...

Question...

If you are a dude (or a chick) that herds sheep, Doesn't that make you a shepherd, not a cowboy?

panthergirl said...

Why wasn't the 40 Year Old Virgin nominated for Best Original Score? Pfffffft

panthergirl said...

OK, I am happy to have lost this one.... I loved the music for Brokeback.

The Law Fairy said...

Dude, John Williams didn't win?? JOHN WILLIAMS DIDN'T WIN???

WTF?

Captain Backfire said...

Micah, I think it's because we were all transfixed by the picture. And by "transfixed" I mean disgusted.

Mindy said...

Hey Micah...I finally watched Napolean Dynamite this weekend...laughed my ass off...

The Law Fairy said...

Mindy: you're just jealous that Micah's been online chatting with hot babes all day

Micah said...

...and my respect for Mindy is knocked down a peg or five.

Hey, bitches: if you haven't seen Capote, hop to it. Great flick.

John Williams already has 30 (I think) Oscars already. Give one to the auslander.

CB - Don't make me post your pictures. You know the ones I'm talking about.

KPMD said...

Oh CB, is the pot calling the kettle gay?

Captain Backfire said...

I think Williams' two nominations caused him to split his own vote. Which I why I only score one film per year...

spydrz said...

Napoleon was funny...some might say it was Dy-no-mite!

The Law Fairy said...

good point, CB -- I didn't even realize he composed for Geisha when I voted for Munich. Dammit!

Micah said...

In all seriousness, 40 Year Old Virgin really should have been nominated for at least screenplay. The Academy's disrespect for comedies is terrible.

Mindy said...

Oh God another movie montage...

Captain Backfire said...

Gay Widescreen montage? On TV sets!?!?!? Do they not see the inherent irony in that!?!?!?!?!

KPMD said...

Did I just see a gladiator movie in that montage?

Micah said...

GO SEE MOVIES IN THEATERS

(Jedi Mind Trick: patrons aren't rude, tickets and food aren't overpriced, floors aren't sticky, pre-movie advertisements don't last for 45 minutes, the general quality of movies hasn't been declining for years now...)

Micah said...

Dude, I hear she's in the new Playboy.

The Law Fairy said...

Micah, SERIOUSLY -- 40YOV was AWESOME. Where's the love for comedies? I've heard it's much harder to do comedy than drama, and I believe it.

Kudos to Stewart for making fun of the mantage obsession

Captain Backfire said...

I know I speak for us all when I say DROOL.............................

The Law Fairy said...

She's suing them about that Playboy thing -- fyi, she's not naked in the mag, lest you guys buy it to great disappointment

Micah said...

I have a subscription. I know. :(

If Stewart had some balls, he would've made a joke about that. Chris Rock would have.

Mindy said...

Doesn't matter how many times you get nominated just how many times you win!

Captain Backfire said...

Why am I enjoying this? I know I shouldn't be, but I am!

Micah said...

You're right. You shouldn't be.

I think the only Altman movie I've seen is The Player. And I don't even remember it.

Captain Backfire said...

Dude, you haven't seen Short Cuts? Bottomless Julianne Moore? Rent it forthwith.

Captain Backfire said...

edit: and it's a good movie, too.

Mindy said...

What exactly is an honorary oscar? You weren't good enough to get one earlier and you're about to die so here's an oscar?

The Law Fairy said...

Zzzzzzz...

I guess now is a good time for a quick catnap. Or a snack break.

Micah said...

YES! I picked Altman for the Honorary Oscar in the pool!

I own a copy of the book M*A*S*H*, if that counts.

Micah said...

You're at the Oscars, hippy. Wear a tie.

KPMD said...

At least Altman has the balls to say, I know you're giving this to me 'cuz you think I'm gonna die soon.

Captain Backfire said...

Oh, God. Isn't M. Night Shamalamadingdong done making movies yet? 'Cause Signs sucked ass.

Captain Backfire said...

Ah. He's just making commercials now. Good.

Micah said...

Signs wasn't bad. Now, The Village - that sucked.

KPMD said...

I guess if you're gonna show this much boob in one show, you should at least advertise how to keep 'em healthy. Kudos, Oscar!

Micah said...

The Oscars are crunk!

Captain Backfire said...

My grandma loves this song.

The Law Fairy said...

They slipped in a "shit" and a half-F-bomb.

Yay Oscars!

I bet my mom would like this song

Captain Backfire said...

Finally: a song that sheds some light on the struggles of the pimp. An issue that merits discussion!

Mindy said...

There was a story the other day on how what critics and the public agree on are completely different...
They said if you added up the money made by all the movies nominated for best picture this year it was only something like 200 million...contrasted with the fact that Dukes of hazard made 80 million...

KPMD said...

It just proves how white the Oscars are when they pick the world's worst hip hop song, ever, to nominate.

Captain Backfire said...

Hello, Apocalypse.

The Law Fairy said...

Awwwwww yeah, tied for first baby!!!

KPMD said...

Once again, the Shamrock Decision Matrix proves true.

Micah said...

Uh, what?

And with that Oscar, I pull into the second place tie.

The Law Fairy said...

Can Steven Colbert present next year? Seriously. He's cracking me up and I can't even see him.

Mindy said...

OH Jennifer come back to Alias...

Micah said...

Jennifer Garner's love child is going to be one fine looking bastard.

Captain Backfire said...

Giving birth was the best thing to ever happen to Jennifer Garner...s breasts.

KPMD said...

Law Fairy - get out of my head! I was thinking the exact same thing. I love Steve Colbert and all that he stands for...which I don't think is much.

Mindy said...

Seriously her boobs are huge!

Micah said...

Mindy - Fun Fact: Spielberg's Munich grossed more than the other four Best Picture nominees combined.

Mindy said...

Oh this is my favorite part! the dead people

KPMD said...

The gay "I see dead people" montage!

Micah said...

I must say that Colbert's show has gotten tons better since it first aired. Classic stuff.

Now go out and buy the "Strangers With Candy" DVDs and see his true genius.

Micah said...

By round of applause, who is the most popular dead person?

Captain Backfire said...

Abe Vigod...oh, wait.

Captain Backfire said...

I actually think Pat Morita won this year. Go figure.

Micah said...

I think it was "Buzz" Knudson.

Okay, people, fess up: who consulted EW when making their picks? (obviously not CB)

KPMD said...

Helloooo, Don Knotts?

The Law Fairy said...

I thought Richard Pryor won

Mindy said...

Next year they can add Lenny Briscoe and Barney fiffe to that list...

panthergirl said...

TAB Energy? Why didn't they just call it "Pink Bull"?

KPMD said...

I will admit to consulting EW and other online sources this year as I have seen none of the nominated films, unless you count Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia. Thanks to spydrz, I haven't even seen King Kong.

Mindy said...

KPMD - they go by calendar year...barney will be on next years montage

The Law Fairy said...

Not me. I relied on my knowledge of the "buzz," plucked up from sources all over. I don't think I even read EW. Ha!

Um. If I had time I would've seen all the movies... ?

Micah said...

If they don't add the Dunkin' Donuts guy to next year's montage, the Academy's lost all of its credibility.

KPMD said...

OK, I thought they were handing the recently dead a hard dis.

Micah said...

law fairy - You live in freakin' LA. You take all of this shit in by osmosis.

Captain Backfire said...

Will Smith, Jessica Alba, Keanu Reeves, and Will Ferrell all presenting Oscars. And 3-6 Mafia wins one? Yup...it's the end of the world as we know it.

I do not feel fine.

panthergirl said...

Ah shit.... I hate sharing first place.

Captain Backfire said...

Um...he's an angry African. And his peeps weren't even enslaved!

The Law Fairy said...

True, Micah

Micah said...

I've always dreamed of being in a 4-way with a bunch of hot chicks. Right now I am.

Let me savor this.

Collateral Damage said...

So I feel so cheap doing this. Since it's my first time, please be gentle. Just turning into the dorkfest, so don't have much to comment on. And wouldn't y'all love to know who I'm wearing.

The Law Fairy said...

Yikes. Neck and neck and neck and neck

Mindy said...

So what's with the props this year...penguins, bow ties what's next?

Micah said...

CD - All are welcome. Do I know you?

hugnkiss said...

I meant tuning in, not turning in...I will NEVER turn into such a dorkfest, even after 3 years of law school. the c.d. name is for another blog, for those of you wondering who the heck this is.

Captain Backfire said...

Damn, is that LexVegas representing on the blog? 'Bout time.

hugnkiss said...

know me? and how ;)

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